Thoughts on Freedom

I‘be been separated from my wife since late November, with most of November being a separated-in-place situation. We’ve sold our old house, each have our own places, and will be filing the divorce paperwork this week. It’s all amicable and drama-free. We chit-chat occasionally, so it’s about as good as a crappy situation can be.

Now, I’m on my own. And I’m definitely in a much better place than I was in the final year of my marriage, when I knew she was on her way out, and I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I don’t miss that. And I don’t miss the squabbles we’d sometimes get into because of compatibility issues we never really addressed. Overall, I feel pretty good these days. I’m doing well emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

At the same time, I’m wrestling with the concept of “freedom.” I frequently hear single folks talk about how they enjoy having the freedom and flexibility to do what they want and when they want. Heck, I do enjoy that myself. It’s cool to know that if I wanted to go on a trip, move cities, change careers, that I only have to consider my own needs in that situation. I have hobbies, friends, creative projects that I pursue, and I have plenty of time for it. I manage my money and resources as I see fit. And yet, there’s a hollowness to this freedom, I think. I’m not speaking prescriptively; I’m sure there are plenty of folks who don’t feel this way about it. But after being partnered for ten years, married for eight, I’d come to take a lot of satisfaction in building something together alongside another person. I enjoy having shared goals, shared successes. I enjoyed playing in a band as a kid for similar reasons; I like having a partner/partners to be creative with. Now, I’m not unhappy. I enjoy my life and I’m extremely grateful for it. I recognize that when I was broke in my early twenties, I’d have killed for exactly the life I have right now. I don’t feel “incomplete” as a person. I just feel a kind of mild existential loneliness, like there is a “something more” that’s not there.

That to say, for me (and I suspect for others) the freedom that can come from singles isn’t the great liberation that some folks make it out to be. It’s overrated. It’s fine, and it’s most certainly better than being in an unhappy, lackluster relationship. But it isn’t necessarily the highest ideal a person can aspire to. I spent some time feeling guilty about even feeling lonely in the first place; I felt like all the cultural messages were saying that it was a character flaw or emotional weakness to actively desire an intimate relationship. I no longer do . I think that if you’re wired a certain way, it’s perfectly natural to prefer being partnered to being single. I respect the stories and experiences of folks who feel differently for any number of good reasons. But I want to speak up for anyone who, like me, is realizing that their preferred MO is having a quality partner.