I'm sorry, I just need to explain this (TW)

I'm just tired.

I do everything wrong, and I've gotten worse every year. I have absolutely no talent or skill. I hate every job option, I have two degrees that mean nothing, I need to get a third one and then a doctorate afterwards now, I've been trying unsuccessfully to get my depression under control with therapy and meds and different treatments for the last 11 years. I'm just tired of it all.

Not just that, but I can't transition to what I wish I was. I can't pick a name, I feel just atrocious when anyone refers to me as anything. Seeing any pronoun addressed to me makes me feel sick and anxious. Names are the same thing, I feel no attachment to any of them.

I wish I could just be called Stolas and go by he/they, god I wish I could. But those too make me feel awful. I just don't feel good ever.

My friend, the one friend I told my new name and pronouns too weeks ago, only deadnames me because she forgets my name. Nobody forgets my trans friend's name, or her pronouns either. Just me. I don't deserve to be remembered.

So I want to just end it. I'm done, no more. I've failed all meds and treatments, and I've become a burden to the state and to my family/friends. I'm tired. I just don't know what I can do to make sure a will can be made and notarized so my friends get the money they deserve from me. I also don't know how to properly write down what to address me as, or how to best explain what I feel. I know everyone will think it's their fault I died, but it's no one's fault, it's mine and mine alone. It always was.

It was my fault I was assaulted, it was my fault I was bullied because I'm a weirdo, it's my fault people hate me, it's my fault I'm fat, it's my fault the world is shit. I get it, I really do.

But I really can't tell anyone this stuff. It'll make them cry and blame me for ruining their lives. I'll be put in a hospital for a day and then released because "sorry we just can't do anything for you", I'll be put in partial for a fourth time in 2 years and just get held back after sessions because I perpetually self harm and want to die every day.

I want to change my name so people know who I am in the end at least, but I don't want to be used as a statistic for why trans people are mentally unwell and shouldn't get access to meds. Seeing the stuff that's happening now, I know I will be used for that.

I'm just lost and don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry, I just have no one else to talk to about this or to properly get my feelings down. My therapists don't understand. No one does. And no one really listens anymore.