Letter to my Ex

I wanted to write a letter to my ex saying my final words to her. I think a big part of not being able to let someone go is the factor of craving closure, feeling like you never got the chance to truly go off on them. I had multiple chances to yell at her, but I approached it maturely and kindly because I was still in love with her. Months into no contact (since February), I am starting to realize the extent of how bad I was emotionally abused. So here it is, since I don't want to send it to her I figured I would leave it here. Thank you to anyone who reads it. <3

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You used to me to figure yourself out. No I was not a pawn to you, I wasn't a game intentionally in the beginning. But I slowly became one. I tried my best to care for you and in return, you emotionally drained me. You led me on, once, I took you back because the circumstances were different. I was so mistaken because you did it again. You made me believe that you were "just this type of person," when really you were just falling out of love with me. You blamed it on your meds, once again. As if you're not a grown human being who is responsible for their actions.

And you know what sucked? The moment you said you did not love me anymore, I still wanted to be in your life. I wanted to be in your life because I loved you, I wanted you to be happy, even if you did not love me anymore. I stayed true to the type of person I was, and I respected you. I completely disregarded the way you treated me. We stopped being friends, but for months I contemplated the base of how you treated me. I went from defending you to seeing you for who you truly are. You're a person who comes in with bullshit apologies, preaching that you've changed and it'll be different this time. You're someone who lies and can absolutely never stay true to their word. A person who plays the victim in every situation. You self-sabotage every good thing that happens to you, every single time.

You constantly used me to figure out your needs. I just wanted you to love me. I brought up a simple thing that bothered me as your partner, and you brought up things that we're completely out of my control. I was gaslighted and smoke-screened, and I always ended up apologizing to keep the peace between us, because more than anything I just wanted you. I would've done anything to keep you happy. You made yourself the victim every single time, and excused it, and then we'd move on like nothing happened. You were figuring yourself out though, right? So it makes it okay?

I wasn't perfect when we dated and I am not perfect now. But the difference between you and me is atleast I tried. I tried to show you that love is so much more than how that one person treated you a year and a half ago. I was there when you were having suicidal thoughts and I would stay up all night to make sure you were okay. I was always there for you to listen and give you advice. I made sure you never went a day without knowing I loved you. What did I get in return? The last two weeks of our relationship, I spent crying every night because I wondered if you loved me. I don't understand why I stuck around. I asked for the absolute bare minimum and you simply could not do that. The friends that you complained to me about were the same friends clowning me after we broke up, and you encouraged it.

After months of contemplation, I realized you do deserved to be loved. You just don't deserve my love. My love is nurturing and unconditional. Some of the things I say are so incredibly cheesy and cringey, but they come from a genuine person, and a genuine heart. A genuine heart deserves to have a genuine person to give their love to, and that isn't you. It's me. I deserve to be loved. I deserve the love that I gave you. You were hot and cold, you'll never know what you want. I don't deserve to be with someone who doesn't know what they want. I deserve to be with someone who is secure.

I hope you truly found the peace you were looking for, I'll always wish you the best. But I do not want to be with you anymore. I don't love you, and I don't think I ever will again. I don't have it in me to be put through that again, but thank you for teaching me what love isn't supposed to me. Teaching me what I should never accept in a relationship again. You took me for granted, and although I will cherish our memories, I have no intention of making any more with you ever again. I am forgiving myself for ever accepting what you gave me, and I am finally going to let you go now.

The end! :)