Another day wasted (TW: self harm)

I have wasted my whole day off again. I had also wasted the previous Sunday and had resolved to get shit done yesterday. But I just was on the phone all the time and it wasn't like I was enjoying anything. I was trying to find something to watch to feel good maybe. I didn't watch anything. This has been a pattern since my teen years. Sometimes I will be successful and will end up sucked into a show ór book. That helps me get distracted from my real problems. The thing is after it ís over I feel twice as worse. One time in my teen years this snowballed into depression and ended up trying to end my life twice. As I felt worthless because I can't seem to just do stuff no matter how important it is.

I have learned to accept it as part of me after that and try to be easy on myself but I feel frustrated. I feel like I am being too easy on myself. Even posting this inner me is criticizing me for being a drama queen and just buckle down and do stuff.