I can't wait for the day my grandmother will pass away

First off I (24m) just wanna say this is just me being a selfish prick and no one in this story are doing anything bad. I'm the only asshole here.

Second off I wanna give a little insight about my country's culture. Every year during Eid, most families usually would go back to their hometowns (or where your parents is) where most family members celebrate Eid together. If you're a married couple you take turns visiting your hometown.

However, due to the circumstances of my parent's families - my dad has 10 siblings and my mom has 3 - we usually go to my mom's hometown first and never my dad's because there would be a lot of families to visit my paternal grandma and my maternal grandmother only has 3 children so this side if the family usually tends to prioritize this side when it comes to celebrating Eid.

Here's where I become the selfish prick. It's not fun here. It's a village consisting of old people so naturally I knew no one from here. Only parents, aunts and uncles, and grandmother knows the people here. So I never enjoyed my time here. I rarely see my cousins either. Even if I do, they're all much younger than me so I was never close to them anyway. As opposed to my relatives from my father's side, it's much more lively. My dad has 10 siblings, of which half of them have already become grandparents, so you can tell how merry it is to celebrate Eid on that side.

Eid is supposed to be a colorful and fun celebration. It's our Christmas, if you will. But due to how dull it was for me, I never get excited for it. Every Eid morning i would put on our attire and put on the best smile I could put on for the pictures, then I would go into the room doing nothing.

All of this would change when my grandmother pass. And I don't care that I don't feel guilty about it. Last year when it was on lockdown I was so happy that we can't go back to my mother's hometown because then we would celebrate Eid in my father's hometown (it's in the same town). I've spent almost 2 decades feeling miserable year by year celebrating Eid here. I know it's such a simple thing to have such wish over, but when everyone is having a fun time with their families it really gets to me.