Need help being compassionate

Been married nearly 20 years. Diagnosed bp2 7 years ago. Was a rough ride first 4, but bpso has been a champ at trying very hard to be well. We’ve had several big up’s and a few hospitalizations and luckily only one big down since then.

However recent up has been really tough for me. When up, bpso wants me to love them more and more. Be very direct with gifts and love letters etc. I have always been very reserved and not great at expressing emotions throughout our relationship. I do, but not frequently. When bpso is up, I am really NOT loving them. They’re selfish, irresponsible, self serving, manipulative, careless with our money and uncaring about the kids. When they’re like this, the last thing Im feeling is loving. I really just want them to stay away.

I know it’s important for them that I don’t disconnect but I’m having a very hard time. The first few rough years after diagnosis give me ptst about the shit they put me through and any actions that remind me of those times shut me off and make me want to go away.

I was recently honest with bpso about my feelings (how much I don’t like when they’re hypomanic) due to recent attempts to be more open with how we’re feeling. I told bpso this against my better judgement - usually when they’re hypomanic they don’t understand the real intent of what I’m trying to say and take things said poorly. It went about as expected. Bpso had panic attack, and now I’m thinking is strongly considering ending our future together. I love my bpso very much and even with all the agony and anxiety I still want to be together.

I need help trying to be able to be loving and connected with my bpso even when they’re in a hypomanic state (if it’s full mania it’s straight to the hospital, already agreed on and best for all). They can be hypomanic for months. It really wears me out and I’m feeling totally burned out at the moment. I’d welcome any help or ideas or ways you may have been able to be more compassionate, especially during prolonged episodes.

Edit: bpso is very proactive with treatment and works hard at it. In therapy, group therapy, couples therapy and takes the medication seriously.