Ndad & porn

Hey friends,

So I 30F have a Ndad 65M, long history of emotional, verbal abuse and other times neglect. Because of financial/health reasons, I had to live at home with him & my mom for most of my life until last year when I moved out to live with my now husband.

But I want to hear your opinion on something:

So a couple days ago I started (and DNF'd) this book called My Dark Vanessa. Basically it's #MeToo telling of Lolita, and it's so well written, where a teacher preys on & sexually assaults a high school student.

I don't have a lot of memories from the past 20 years, but it triggered a lot of feelings in me. Basically, I was exposed to porn really early on (10 years old) and regularly since apparently my father had no idea how to close a website window or clear the browser history on the family computer. And I started watching it semi-regularly and developed a strong hatred of my body because of course I did not and will never look like the people on those sites. Needless to say, I have a diagnosed ED (along with PTSD, depression, anxiety, & ADHD).

And besides being in a weird time with hyper hormones, a young brain, and no wisdom or context for anything remotely sexual, it really fucked me up. Like I'm surprised that I can have a satisfying physical relationship now with my husband... I didn't even have my first kiss until age 25 and a couple years later experienced sex for the first time but it was in a bad and short relationship.

So I was talking about with my sister tonight about my father's internet habits. And the fact that he would play porn videos, when I was home alone with him and he knew I was home, on a volume that I could hear at the other end of the house, and I could audibly hear him masturbating. ((Like, I want to say I totally respect parents and elders having sex lives and that's normal, but why couldn't he do it in private, behind a closed door, with headphones?)) He did this several times while I was still living at home, up until I moved out.

And before I moved out, there was no way I felt comfortable telling him, so I asked my mom to mention something to him. And of course that was a supremely uncomfortable discussion and regardless, it didn't change any behaviors. My mom played it off to him just being clueless, but that doesn't feel right to me.

So I guess I want to ask for your read on that situation? Like he never directly approached/touched me in a sexual manner. But all that other stuff, as my sister pointed out to me tonight, is really creepy and questionable. I think I repressed it & didn't really have it register until I was reading this book. Maybe I'm looking for validation. I feel so fucked up.

Thank you for reading this, I appreciate your thoughts.