I (22f) broke up with my abusive boyfriend (22M). He is begging me to come back but I know things wont go well, but the guilt is eating me up inside.. how do I help myself?

I am 22f dated this guy for 5 years, and it started out really good, he was the most sweetest guy ever, for the first couple of years, However lately, whenever he gets mad at me he will try to put me down as much as possible, he ll curse at me and call me names. Bring up my worst insecurities. He always assumed I was cheating and I almost never hang out with boys, even if I do maybe once every six months it will be in a group setting, but he ll be so angry: I remember this one time he would not stop cursing and yelling the worst words imaginable at me no matter how much I begged and begged him, it was on a day when my exam ended. I was looking forward to celebrate with him, but I ended up crying the whole day. This happened just because my batch mates made a plan to meet up to celebrate the end of our exams. Which was really really tough since we are medical students. However, when it comes to him, its okay for him to hang out with just girls alone and not even seen my msgs for 12-14 hrs at a time. He uses his phone to post stories and stuff but doesnt reply to me. He will post pictures with his girl friends, while my msg saying “goodmorning” to him was unread for hours and hours. And he will only reply at night. He never ever calls me or texts me when he is around his friends. And when I bring it up to him, he calls me needy and crazy. Which I don’t think I am but, I just bring things up to him because it hurts me. He prioritizes everything and everyone above me and never really makes plans or time for me, he only speaks to me if he has nothing else left to do that day. And when I bring it up to him he ll say something like “ I only talk to my parents once a day too” ……

Whenever we have conflict he d leave me all alone distressed and sad especially at night, he ll neglect me for hours and come back the next day pretending nothing happened, He never shows any kindness or affection, and when I ask him he replies with something vague like “ I cant love”

And he also gets mad at me during intimacy. The saddest thing he does is, after he is done he ll completely ignore me and sleep. And he wont even acknowledge it the next day. and he also says things like “you s*ck” in the middle of it. Also there is some level of coercion when it comes to intimacy because he gets mad at me whenever I don’t want to do something, or if I ever change my mind. Most of the times I give to stop him from getting angry with me.

Despite all this Idk why I still feel bad for him and guilty about leaving. I just dont know what is wrong with myself. Im severely depressed, I lost 8 kgs within the last 2-3 months, and I also had my semester exams during it, and he was fighting with me throughout that too.

And now he is back, he wants me to come back. He says he is sorry for all the bad things he did. But deep down inside I know he ll never change, because I have given him hundreds of chances and our next problem is much much more worse than the previous. He loses more respect for me everytime I decided to stay.

But despite all this, I still feel so bad for leaving. I know it was the right choice but I can’t help wondering what could’ve been if only he was nice to me. I am severely depressed I cry almost everyday, I go to sleep sad and wake up thinking the same thing. I have nightmares and panic attacks almost regularly, and where I am from I am not able to get access to a good therapist. I am pretty close to my parents but whenever I show them I am sad about this they worry too much. So I have to hide this as much as possible. Its really affecting me I really need some advice and reasonings that I made the right choice by leaving him. I also fear that I may never find someone again since I am very introverted and closed off to most people.

I just need some words of wisdom, it would really help Thanks for taking the time to read my story Please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes

Tldr; I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for the last 5 yrs and I finally mustered up the courage to leave him, but he is coming back begging for me to come back and saying he will change. But I cant forgive the things he did. And I can’t stop feeling guilty, how do I help myself?