Everything Everywhere All At Once made me want to reach out to my N mother-- and I did

I just finished watching the movie, and I don't really want this post to be a review, but there were so many striking moments... There were things that I understood deeply, and I found the artistry of the movie so poignant. I was in awe that the writers, actors, and everyone who came together to create it were able to evoke such powerful emotions.

I haven't seen my mother since February 2021. Our relationship has always been tumultuous and I've been cutting her in and out of my life once I became a bit more autonomous entering university. I am almost 26 now. She was physically, verbally and mentally abusive, narcissistic, and put my sister and I through hell. And unfortunately, there weren't only bad times-- because then cutting her out for good would have probably been easier. That is what makes abuse so insidious, no?

She stopped hitting me once I moved out the first time. But there have been painful periods wherein we attempt to rebuild our relationship, but so far it has always ended in her refusal to acknowledge/minimizing the pain she has caused me in my upbringing. The one time I thought we were really making headway, when she, my sister and I all tried family therapy, she walked out in the middle of her being held accountable after a few sessions... probably because she couldn't face what she's done.

Since February 2021, I have led a life that is drastically different than what she and my dad (they are divorced, and my dad is a whole other issue) have always envisioned for me. I decided to leave academia. I moved in with my then different-faith boyfriend (we are together today). I lost one of my closest friends in a tragic accident in June 2021. A lot has happened since then, and there were so many times I wished for her to be in my life again. I wished for my own mother to comfort me as I grieve, as I try to figure out what I want to do with my life. To do things loving mothers and daughters do together. To just spend time without fighting. I wished for us to have a good relationship, for her to be in my life. But I also knew that she was bad at respecting boundaries, and I had no idea how she would react to the life I have now, and the things I have done that are against our religion.

I have been working through the complex emotions, from one traumatic memory to the next, all with the great help of my therapist. And it's been going great. I hadn't felt rushed or anything like that to 'finally' face my mom (and then dad, and his family). I knew that I would show my true self when I was ready, and say take it or leave it, these are my terms. I don't know how ready I am to deal with my dad and his family, honestly. I also wasn't sure when I'd be able to face my mom again.

But for some reason, this fucked up, hilarious, beautiful ass movie has hit me in parts of the heart I patched up and put in a dark closet. From scene to scene the boxes flew out, dust blown away, and then came the realization I wanted this connection too. I am scared I did something I might regret, but I texted my mom telling her that I thought of her seeing that movie. And I said some other things but I basically said that I wanted her to watch the movie and that I was open to trying again. I am scared because of how vulnerable I was with her. I feel crazy to even have this tiny hope. But it is done. And now we find out with time if my reaching out is something I will come to regret. But yeah. Idk I think I shared all this bc I was hoping to find anyone else with similar history & experiences who may have also been moved to their core by this movie. And I would love to hear, if you are one of those people, how you feel, if you have reached out, or why not. I would love some reassurance, and perhaps caution on how to proceed. This is new ground for me. To think Michelle Yeoh made me think I could trust my mother again!

UPDATE: i just caught up with my sister, and she's updated me with how her relationship is going with our mother. To summarize, our mother is continuing to display N behaviour & I am feeling dispirited about reaching out to her. I feel like I may have made a mistake, because she will most likely exhibit the same characteristics and behave the same way with me. 😔 She had responded to my texts in an impressively emotionally intelligent manner, but I realize after talking to my sister that she may have been deliberately accommodating and understanding with me because she is left alone. Historically, like clockwork, whenever one of us, my sister or me, would stop talking to her, she would try to reach out and get closer to the other. She lives alone and doesn't have friends. She mainly only talks to her sisters who live far away. She gets lonely, so she hinges most her attention and socializing needs onto one of us. I am scared for what responsibilities that may entail, even if she does accept my terms, or acknowledges the pain she has caused.