I’m scared I’m going to push my partner away

First of all, my girlfriend is amazing. I scored that 1 in a million, she scored a broken toy for a person, and still stuck around for a year now! However, in that year a lot of shit happened and it ignited a lot of my BPD. I find myself worrying that she’ll leave me and then subconsciously pushing her away by pointing out how she hurt me at times. I can’t let anything go and I can’t word anything right. She recently talked about moving out of her house, and I asked if she wanted a roommate. She said “I don’t care” and I went into a whole depressive state. She’s never been one to be jumpy on having me around 24/7 like I am with her, but I get it twisted into thinking she doesn’t want me like I want her and blah blah blah… you get it. I’m sick of looking at myself like an outsider and I wanna kick this dark passenger of an illness out of my life. I want to realize what I have without all the worry.