gender and sexuality confusion [Discussion] [Rant] [Trans]

honestly i don't even understand what i am anymore. sometimes i want boobs, i want to wear skirts/dresses, and to be viewed as a feminine person or even woman. idk maybe it's that i feel that i need to conform to being a more 'masc' man is from society saying that i must be cis presenting to be trans but even if i understand that it still bothers me. what if im faking it? i constantly ask myself this and i feel like in order to be a man i need to present as one. and even if i come to understand my non-conforming self i want to be perceived as a man and be called he/him though i feel more comfortable with they/them. and then it comes to my sexuality, idk if im even attracted to people anymore? idk how to describe it i feel the desire to have a partner but every time i try to imagine an 'ideal' partner or even trying to pursue someone irl i just don't really have the interest for it?? i mean i've flirted, kissed, and dated a lot of ppl and it's just never worked out for me. i 9/10 end up ending the relationship bc i dont feel anything anymore, i mean the longest relationship I’ve had with someone was like 6 months and even then, i ended it. idk i want a relationship to an extent ig but i don’t think i'm aromantic. then when it comes to my asexuality im even more confused i don't feel the desire to have sex mostly bc of trauma and what i've been exposed too but i think i would like to experience it at some point?? ik u can be ace and still have sex but at the same time the thought of having sex with someone makes me feel gross. but maybe it's the not wanting to be the receiving end and the dysphoria?? i have no clue anymore, i would say to not put a label on whatever I’m feeling although i want to but maybe how i'm feeling there just isn't a label for??