Being nonbinary is lonely…

Maybe it’s just me but even though I feel more at home with my identity now, I just feel so alone… i’m afab and there’s this whole kind of camaraderie between women, like I’ve always felt at least a little more connection when meeting a woman for the first time as opposed to a man. Even if I didn’t know them, there was at least some common ground and a mutual understanding of what it’s like to be a girl. Especially with the struggles, it’s like they’re watching out for each other and it’s so much easier to be open.

But now that I know that I’m not really a woman, it feels weird. Like I’ve always had some group, some sense of belonging. But now I’m really trying to accept that I’m a not-woman and I want to be seen as not woman, and it feels like I’m abandoning everything I’ve ever known. If I want to be a not woman so much, then I shouldn’t be seen as one or be in spaces specifically for them. I was raised with that experience, but now that I’m trying to explore being something else it’s like there’s nothing left of me anymore.

I don’t know many nonbinary people and it’s not like it’s easy to just see one walking in the streets. And since nonbinary is such a broad term it can mean pretty much anything, so even if I meet someone who uses the label they could be completely different from me with an entirely different experience of what it means to be that. There just isn’t that sense of belonging in the same way that I’ve known it for women. It’s just lonely because I don’t want to be a woman or a man but I envy being a part of a community. The places where I used to belong aren’t for me anymore, and I mean besides places of support for female struggles. It’s not that there isn’t a nonbinary community, but I really only see it online or if I go out of my way to find queer groups. I feel like I’m a floating nothing and a fraud because I so badly want to be whatever my gender is but there’s nothing waiting for me on the other side. Does anyone else feel the same way?