I know this is normal but I feel so guilty that I will be irrationally void of grief or overflowing with grief and I can't control it. CW suicide, partner loss

My girlfriend took her own life a little over a year ago. I don't even know when it happened, partially due to amnesia and fog, and partially because she simply disappeared, and I was informed of her death later than others, probably because people knew I was already struggling a lot. My ex girlfriend's mother also died at about the same time too, so I was spread between a lot of things.

I was completely numb for a while. I held a virtual shiva for her, and people came, but despite organizing it, none of it felt real. I felt guilty about how I felt like I was performing when I talked about her. I guess I was completely dissociated.

A few months ago, I was grieving hard. I was so depressed and my mood was just out of control. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had been clashing with my roommate, and one day she was blasting music and laughing with her girlfriend and I just lost it. I don't know why I said it this way, but I texted her something like, "It's the anniversary of Eve's death and I can't do this anymore."

It was around the approximate time of year. But it wasn't the specific day. My roommate pointed this out to me coldly, because I guess she messaged a friend of mine to verify? I apologized for the weird wording and I told her I didn't know the specific date. That really harmed our relationship, and my relationship with my friend.

When the date passed, there was activity in the group chat, but I ignored it and blocked it out. I feel guilty about that as well.

Now, a little over a month later, everything reminds me of her. I'll break into tears all the time, thinking it's about something else, and suddenly I'm crying about her. I feel bad asking for support from anyone close to me because I don't want to hurt them. And part of me feels like I don't want to talk to anyone but her. Obviously I can't.

I don't know why I'm acting like this. I don't know what to do with any of my grief. It's too much on top of my chronic illness and mental health.