Empty Space

Hey, everyone, I’ve been in a really heavy headspace for a while now. It feels weird to vent to a subreddit but I feel like it’s really the only option I have anymore. I’ve been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder for a while now and had a pretty rough breakup about 5-6 months ago, which sent me hurdling into a spiral of depression. I let my thoughts consume me for a while before deciding to reach out to people and try to regain some sense of comfort. Worst. Mistake. Ever. Turns out a lot of the people I felt I could turn to in a moment of crisis are either too busy or too careless about me to comfort me. Got left on read by all of my friends, my best friend bragged about how happy he was getting back with his ex during my confession to him about my breakup, and my parents screamed at me for telling them I felt like I needed to see a professional about my suicidal depression. Being abandoned by pretty much everyone that I previously felt I could trust to be there for me, I’ve lost control of my emotions even more than I already did. I’ve been mad, sad, insane, bloodthirsty, all of the fun stuff. I’m so traumatized by the accusation by my ex that I “sexually assaulted” her that I started self harming myself leading up to major damage to my genitals out of some wild belief that I deserved it. I’ve already attempted maybe 5-6 times since my breakup until I finally remembered about a week ago that I’m extremely allergic to peanuts and I can essentially guarantee a successful attempt by literally licking a spoonful of peanut butter.

I don’t expect to get much satisfaction out of my confession, nor do I expect comfort, but I have nothing left to lose so I’ll give it a shot I suppose.