Scared to be myself

I don't really know where to start. If you don't want to hear me whyning about me and my life then stop now.

Also, this post might be a bit hard to follow since I will just write down my thoughts as they come to me, so it will lack any organization.

I'm depressive. I've been in therapy for almost 3 years now. I recently started to take meds. It really helped a lot, but it also brought my other problems to light. I finally got diagnosed for social phobia, something that no one before could say definetively.

I am alone a lot. I don't have many friends. In real life, I only have one friend, and the only real interest we share is TF2, and recently SMNC. Not that that's a bad thing, but as soon as we stop playing those, we run out of things to do. I think it's because we're both computer addicts, who literally don't know what to do when not at our PCs.

I've had a few other friends, most of which have turned against me. I was bullied from kindergarten through to 8th grade (after that it stopped), but it has left scars. The few friends I had all realized at some point that if they wouldn't hang out with me, they could hang out with all the other guys. I can't even blame them.

As kid I used to be very sociable. I used to make friends in no time. It just didn't work in kindergarten and later in school, because I was being bullied. I seem to have lost those skills over time, and yet I have the urge to talk to people. I've always talked a lot, and liked talking a lot. Being alone that much makes me sick.

I could expand this infinetly and talk about all the problems in my life, but I guess that's my therapist's job. Maybe all of that is my therapist's job, and this is completely redundant. As most of what I do. Maybe as I am myself.

There is one thing I really want to be able to do. I don't want to be afraid to be myself. I want to go out there and wear my MLP t-shirts. I want to be who I am without always wondering what other people might think about me. Yesterday I drew this little comic that I even submitted to the Plounge:

http://i.imgur.com/w1SPs.jpg

This wouldn't happen in real life, as I would never state that in real life. Well, apart from my one friend and my family, who know it anyways. It's more of a metaphor for anything. I can't defend my own opinions. If someone else tells me my opinion is "wrong", and maybe even throws in an argument or two, I can't just defend my opinion anymore. I even keep telling myself that it's wrong. Sometimes I wonder how I am even still here, with all that brony hate out there. Everytime I see someone say something bad about ponies / bronies on the internet, I feel like I'm getting hit hard in the face, and then I'm depressed for the rest of the day and don't even really dare to touch anything pony related anymore. Again, I have no idea how I'm even still here.

Edit: One of the most painful things about MLP:FiM for me is how it teaches me that friendship is magic, and yet I know that I won't experience it myself.

Edit 2: I'm sometimes scared to state my opinions or do things like wearing pony t-shirts because I'm literally scared to get beaten up by some random guy on the street. I guess that's a remainder of the time where I was being bullied, but still it's a very intense fear.

Edit 3: Now I had to read this. And in some cruel way, it's true. I mean, I'm the perfect example. I guess we're all creepy nerds. Again, why am I sill here.