Thanks for the critique! Very insightful analysis of the rushed ending. I didn't want to add too much to the word count, but looking back at it now, it's clear that's not the arc Lana needed.

To start, I really like the premise of this piece. The fact that you go in without overexplaining is the way to go in my opinion. The world we occupy is one where the characters are not addressing an outside "other", but instead, their own lived reality. Nothing weird is going on according to them, and I love that. Often, I run into issues that try to overexplain instead of just trusting their readers to accept and make sense of what the writer has given them. This doesn't do that; it lets us just experience what's going on which helps the narrative move smoothly without getting too involved in whether or not it needs to hold the readers hand. It lets the story take center stage, and it shows a kind of confidence in the story being told. 

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The metaphor for puberty and insecurities about development really resonate with the idea of being turned into a witch. And the fact that developing these traits one would typically find abhorrent gives us the distance to see how puberty is

I appreciate the time you put into critiquing my piece! Very helpful.  I'll definitely aim for cleaner prose with my next one. Coincidentally, I just stopped by the library yesterday for a big haul of Pratchett, Butcher, and McKillip books for reading/analysis over the weekend, just like you recommended.

Okay, so I've just finished commenting on your piece within the document. First off, thanks for sharing this story and clearly having a conviction to improve your craft. Let's get into this!

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**The Prose**

In my honest opinion, I found the prose to be on the weaker end. There were a couple of times where I found what you were writing confusing and had to reread it once or twice for it to somewhat make sense. For example, as someone in the document highlighted, this segment made little to no sense to me:

>She twisted her head, trying to glimpse the newcomer. Had she missed a spot on the back of her neck? She strained her ears and thought she heard the scribbling of a pencil — the other student sketching her shoddy makeup job to distribute around the school. Or maybe they weren’t, but now that her neck was flushing red, they could see through her cover-up.  
>  
>She hunched her shoulders.  
>  
>Liquid sloshed behind her. Water, perhaps, or makeup remover to douse and disint

Thanks for the critique! Appreciated the line edit breakdowns since as you said, my prose was uneven.

>Witch genes ran in Lana’s family, *and human genes were trampled in their wake.*

Someone else mentioned cutting that part, but personally I like the overall aim and tone of the line. I'd play around with the wording, something like "Witch genes ran in Lana’s family, trampling human genes..."

>Her nose was still stubby like her father’s, and she couldn’t fix the missing warts, but her face was green. A bit blotchy, but then again, so were witches.

Ha! I love how these witches are the stereotypical child's story witches.

>She sprinted to her classroom. The last thing she wanted to do was to make an entrance — **to jerk her stick legs forward between rows of students**. Better to sit and breathe.

I'm having a bit of trouble following this sentence and it's the bolded part leaving me confused.

>**Turned out, breathing was harder than it looked**. Her great-great-grandmother and great-great-great grandmother had told Lana as much, but she hadn’t believed them until now. 

Interesting

Thanks for your thoughts on my piece; it's appreciated!

“Witch genes ran in Lana’s family, and human genes were trampled in their wake. An eldritch cackle with an enchanting echo, green skin like an algae bloom, and long noses the envy of every woodpecker around — though there weren’t many since, as everyone with a long nose knows, woodpecker beaks make the best potions.”

I really like this portion of the story. It’s a strong way to start the story. Specially the descriptions (an eldritch cackle with an enchanting echo....). And I think the information on the woodpecker immerses us in the witch world. 

“She finished smearing on the Horticulture Hex she had stolen from her mother’s makeup drawer, leaning over the school bathroom’s yellowed sink as she inspected herself in the mirror. “

This sentence is a bit too long hence difficult to read. Maybe you could change it to something like:

“She finished smearing the Horticulture Hex she had stolen from her mother’s makeup drawer. She inspected herself in the mirror as she leaned over the sch

Greetings,

This is a short story I originally wrote for r/writingprompts, but have revised slightly since posting there. I don't have any future plans for this piece — just want to see where my writing can improve. No specific questions for you, and all feedback (harsh as you want to be) is welcome.

The original prompt was:

"When a witch is born, they are physically indistinguishable from a normal human girl. Once they hit puberty, however, their skin turns green, they grow warts, their nose becomes pointy, and they get the urge to cackle madly. As you might expect, high school is a difficult time."

Doc:

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S4sdT2DQUQ02Z9xO6RBeG63-9aPkBi68rrvq3gUYeDM/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S4sdT2DQUQ02Z9xO6RBeG63-9aPkBi68rrvq3gUYeDM/edit?usp=sharing)

Critique:

\[1600\] [Kalosian Hot Chocolate](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/t872ju/1600_kalosian_hot_chocolate/hzrm176/?context=3)

[1310] Witch Genes