>Murwi could hear her speaking.

This is not a strong opening.  "Could hear her speaking" is awkward.  "Murwi heard her song" is still not great (because it's not particularly interesting) but grammatically it's smoother.

>Beautiful.

This is the character's intro, right?  So I need more.  This tells me nothing about this character.  Why is it beautiful?  What memories is it evoking?  Almost everyone thinks the sea is beautiful, it's why it's such a strong tourist attraction.  What makes the perception of beauty unique for this character?

>The soft crashing of the wake upon the sea. She whispered the breeze into his ear. It carried a strong scent of salt and sand.

So this is the first time we hear that the speaker is the ocean, but to be honest, it wasn't even clear.  When I read this I still thought it was a person he was listening to, and you were just describing the person using the sea as a metaphor.  Once I realized you were literally describing the ocean I had to mentally reas

**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

For me, this was too vague to be super interesting. Murwi's character isn't clear to me with regard to either his traits or his history. Great Ma: a mystery as to whether this is a person or the sea itself. The gift: is it the sea or the cane or a third unmentioned thing? This is supposed to be an informative or evocative little piece, I think, but I come away feeling and knowing nothing more than I did before.

Naming things: I'Dunno made me frown and makes me very suspicious that Great Ma is a derivative of grandma, which makes it hard to take the story or the characters or the sea seriously and retain my interest. It's like, oh, okay, we're still in the joke placeholder name stage so this isn't ready to be read yet, or something. 

**PROSE**

> Beautiful. 

I don't believe you. Lol. Where's the evidence? If the rest of this was less vague it would do the work for you and you could get rid of the "beautiful"s. 

> The soft crashing of the wake upon the sea. 



Thank you for posting. This is such a short piece that it is hard to figure out how to really critique it in a way that may be useful to you. I read a lot and from all over the place in terms of genres and age ranges. I write mostly in weird-fantasy-horror or slice of life. Besides some random publications stuff, I am for all intents and purposes a hobbyist just writing mostly for personal sanity so take everything here as just one subjective opinion.

**Overall** An awkward attempt at introducing a character using a stylized attempt mixing *primitive* language and college-poetry-workshop repetition. The piece for me failed as a reader to really provide any context for the character in a greater epic/scheme while also distancing me with confusion in terms of where, what’s, and such. The picture did most of the heavy lifting and if this was a middle-grade fantasy story a la *Warrior Cats* or *Redwall* then this may be correct, but for YA or older fantasy, it read off to me.

**Etymology

"Murwi could hear her speaking"

Will this be the first sentence of your chapter/book? I would go with something stronger. Based on your character design and the excerpt I read, this seems to be a high-impact fantasy book. Usually, those carry descriptive words and really powerful imagery, By beginning with this sentence, you set the tone for the rest of the book as "dull"

"He rolled his enormous shoulders backwards. They cracked with heft and age. He chuckled softly from his belly at the sound. He used to find the noise funny when he was a younger man. Now it was funny for all the wrong reasons. "

Again, a lack of descriptive words. It is hard to imagine a character's form if they are described as enormous shoulders. I'm not sure how you want to write this book (poetic or more straightforward) but it should still paint a picture. Also, some of this is wordy and the last sentence introduces some mystery but not in a good way. Maybe 

"He rolled his shoulders backward and they stormed

**Opening Remarks**

Thank you for submitting! I enjoy the concept of the character, an older man described as strong is a nice change to the somewhat frequent frail/weak descriptions attached to older folks.

**Physical Descriptions**

I had a bit of uncertainty with the descriptions of this character. Specifically, the comment on his enormous shoulders indicates someone who is incredibly strong and active. However, the introduction of the cane, which I assume he needs for support, suggests the opposite. If he really does need the cane to move around, then it’s unlikely that he’d be built that large, even he was active growing up. A lack of activity and weightlifting does a number on muscle size, particularly with age. If the cane is actually a weapon he uses, which is possible based on its comparison to a small tree, then you can ignore all the previous feedback and make sure the purpose of the cane is clear. Perhaps he could lean it against his shoulder as he walks away.

**Personal

The drawing made me think that he wasn't old so when u mentioned that he was I was surprised. Personally I don't like the name of the sea, that's just my opinion though.

The drawing and the fact that he has a cane that's like a small tree makes me think that he's really strong. The fact that his shoulders cracked makes me think that he hasn't fought or much exercise in a long time. 

I like that he's chuckling it makes him seem nice. I like the introduction to the character. It makes him seem nice, it shows that he's strong but old, possibly shows that he hasn't done much recently which is why his bones keep cracking.

According to the document the character is introduced in chapter 2. The way the introduction is done makes it a bit strange. I'm guessing that something in chapter 1 happened and then chapter 2 starts and it begins with a new character and their life before going back to the main character, or at some point in chapter 2 it stops what's happening and begins to talk about

Hi Everyone!

This is a character introduction I wrote for my book. I'm looking just for overall thoughts on the opening and his character. It's pretty short, but let me know!

[Story](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BvY_zGhpYnPS1A7mhmv0v_YwZ10kF3IKeYD2cwvQZA4/edit?usp=sharing)

[Crit](https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uqgzl1/650_the_menacing_stick/i8vsao1/)

[189] Murwi