This is the first part of a short story I'm writing. I've decided to split it up into several parts since you're discouraged from posting over 2500 words. Looking for general feedback: whether there's clarity, how to improve prose, and whether or not it's entertaining generally.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Qllsa-bCLu98b6ZPMKsGaDFOFG326SG8RxRdZEUYvEg/edit?usp=sharing
Posted May 18, 2022, 2:13 PM UTC
Line Edits
year on year
This felt awkward to read. Maybe just “every year?”
before it was yanked back with a screech by Carrie’s cruel lead
This makes it sound like the lead is screeching, but I think you meant Carrie is screeching? But it doesn’t seem realistic that Carrie would be screeching in a meeting.
you’d have received a proper trial before persecution.
Maybe it’s just me, but there are times when the voice seems to shift from less-formal to more-formal. Based on how the character’s voice has worked so far, this felt off. Something like “he’d get a trial before the torture” sounds more in his voice in comparison.
knee-deep in the cesspit
This felt out of place. Adam is taking himself seriously, and this sounds more like William’s thoughts on the meeting and not Adam’s own commentary on it.
sluggish, he flicked through an endless binder, as though a soulless automaton, whose dead, expressionless eyes and shell-like gauntness better resembled wax effigy than man.
This section felt a little strange to me. Up to now we’ve been experiencing the meeting through William’s eyes, but now we’re stepping away from William to look at William from the outside. Maybe if it was his thought on how he believed he’d look from other people? Not sure.
Inwardly: an opinion distillery worked overtime to smother every negative thought which dared bubble to the surface with a strike force of overwhelmingly supportive proverbs: What would Jesus do?
This doesn’t seem accurate – everything up until this point has been extreme negativity, and it doesn’t seem like he’s made any attempt to smother them. Do you mean he smothers them by not speaking them? If that’s the point, the only dialogue we have from him is when he doesn’t smother them.
I think you could cut the whole “Outwardly, Inwardly” section completely.
They haggled.
This confused me. Haggled over what?
He took a seat.
I think you can cut this. Makes it read smoother.
Merry sunlight endowed her little, citrus street.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to visualize here. The sunlight is endowing the street? Is the street a metaphor for rays of light? Or are you saying the sun lit up the street? And I’m not sure how to visualize a ‘citrus’ street.
Subtlety, he finagled over to the window
I think you mean “subtly,’ but I think you should just cut the word completely.
A whisk of wind blew across his consoled cheek.
You use interesting descriptors, but it makes it harder to read. “whisk” as a noun means the utensil, and I think you meant to use it in its verb form, in which case it should be “The wind whisked.” I also think ‘consoled cheek’ was confusing to read. Maybe “The wind whisked by his cheek.”?
Rum and raisin icecream trickled down Willy’s trunks
Ice cream should be two words. Trickling down his ‘trunks’ is an interesting choice, but that’s not how I think of ice cream trickling – it usually trickles down your hand holding the cone before anything else.
From the pier, the enchanting aroma of mustard-covered hotdogs and slightly overcooked onions.
This sentence is a fragment which can be fine, but I don’t think you intended it to be and it’s stilting to read. Put your choice verb after onions. “Wafted,” maybe?
He popped off his goggles and snorkel; his father approaching
I’m confused now – ice cream was trickling on him (implying he’s actively eating ice cream) and he’s smelling the aromas, but he’s wearing goggles and a snorkel? Also, the second clause should be a full sentence and it’s another fragment. Honestly, I think you could just cut this whole sentence.
Oh dear…
Your character is explicitly not the type to say “oh dear.” I would either just cut this, but if you want a reaction, make it your character’s. “Oh shit” seems more like his voice to me, but you don’t have cursing in here otherwise I think. Maybe just “Crap?” Or just cut.
Balanced on an old telephone wire, Carrie’s pink-collared cat tiptoed—tippawed?—further and further away from William’s reach.
Cats have excellent balance, but I don’t know if I’ve ever heard or seen one walk on a telephone wire, and it doesn’t even sound possible, even for a cat.
A final swipe for the dangling lead proved futile.
The lead is going to be a problem because you’ve already established Carrie holding the lead, so how did the cat escape? Not to mention that gives a clear excuse why the main character is not actually at fault here, since Carrie didn’t keep attached to the lead. Maybe remove the lead stuff entirely? It would also support the skepticism that it’s not a real emotional support animal.
A creamy-clotted carcass cat flattened thin like a steamrolled mat was his most cardinal concern
This was fun, but confusing – reading this made it sound like this had already happened, then it just turns into a ‘concern.’ For ease of reading, maybe put concern sooner to make that clear?
although, strangely, he did not turn from the windowsill and instead—arms wide like bloodied Jesus—spread to cover his outside fault tracks as though Rodya hiding stained axe.
So much is happening here I would put it in its own sentence. Also, you packed two very vivid metaphors/similes into one motion/event, which made it dense. I would choose just one.
Maddening sunlight
I’m not sure what to visualize. I don’t get how sunlight can be ‘maddening.’
a rotting treetrunk
Should be two words, but honestly, I’d just choose one. You don’t need both.
Had time skipped? Or was he able to teleport? And what was that awful smell?
These are rational thoughts to have in his situation, but it feels too immediately rational. I would think your character would be utterly confused and it would take a few moments of calming down before he gets to this point.
Hook
It’s not particularly gripping. Office droning and complaining about office droning is not especially unique. Your character’s voice here is what’s unique and fun to read, but it took 2.5 sentences to get there. I think you should immediately give us something in his voice, a fun description of his misery to immediately pull us in. Your other option is to hint at what’s going to happen soon, since the really interesting event is the suddenly ‘being somewhere else.’ Especially since it does take a while for us to get there, so it may be helpful to the reader to hint or suggest that something truly crazy is about to go down.
Prose
Your prose is generally effective and you have a unique way of describing things that generally works. However, there were times when descriptions didn’t line up in a way I could visualize, or you would pack clever description on clever description in a way that made it dense and less effective. Basic public speaking etiquette is to give pauses or breaks for things to land and make an impact. You write impactful descriptions but they’re so rapid-fire at times that it’s hard to make them land and you lose overall impact from it. I think your prose would be enhanced by cutting out quite a bit so the story can move while we’re getting interesting descriptors, instead of being stuck in one part of the story wringing every clever or fun description you can pull out of it.
Characters/Dialogue
You’ve made a miserable character likable for me, which can be hard to pull off sometimes. I think your characterization of William was effective – I feel I have a good grasp on who he is. He strikes me as someone who follows the rules, even as he disdains them. He’s likely competent at what he does, as he comes across as intelligent, but he doesn’t care enough to try (hence the late report). He can be vicious about the people around him, but generally just internally, and he’s not a sociopath since he genuinely cares when the cat gets out. But he’s also a bit of a coward, unwilling to share what he really thinks or own up to his mistakes. I think you’ve given him a lot of depth.
There’s not a ton of depth for the other characters, but that’s fine. They’re mostly foils for his inner voice, so it doesn’t bother me that Adam or Carrie come off a bit one-dimensional.
I will say the one area of improvement may be if you actually give William some dialogue with those around him. When forced to interact, how do his words compare to his thoughts? The only explicit dialogue from him is when he grumbles to himself about the heart attack/stroke. There are other times he speaks, such as when he asks to use the restroom and “haggles” but we’re not actually given his dialogue here. Does he maintain a completely polite façade? Are there hidden barbs in there? Does he actually show any frustration with his words? There are also other opportunities for dialogue – he’s desperate to cover up the window, but when told to move away, he just walks away. Does he say something back, something to keep himself there? It seems strange to give up given his level of panic.
Setting
The office setting isn’t described in a lot of detail, but it doesn’t need to be. Offices are ubiquitous and it didn’t hamper my visualization of what was happening. Your description of the street was confusing – you have freshly-mown grass, which implies something less than urban, but then the smells implies urban factory setting, so I’m having trouble visualizing the street. I also didn’t know that the office was high up in the air until you talk about the cat climbing across the wire. That could be made clearer earlier on so when the cat leaves through the window we’re immediately in on the tension, instead of waiting to be told what the cat is doing outside to realize the gravity (heh). The setting at the very end is confusing because we don’t know where we are, but that was the point, so that’s fine. I was able to visualize the train and tumbling sequence once I knew it was happening to William.
Plot
Unfortunately the story only got really interesting plot-wise right as this ends. The character’s voice is fun so that kept me engaged, but the pages on pages of descriptions of how terrible the meeting is may not be necessary here. This goes hand-in-hand with the ‘letting a description land’ criticism. Other people may not be so interested in the character’s thoughts about the meeting, and they may not give the story a chance to read to the point where things go weird. There’s generally three parts to this: in a terrible meeting, he opens a window with cat escape, then he’s just suddenly somewhere else. The first part just takes a little too long to get through, especially if this is a short story.
In your final paragraph, I was confused about what was happening. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, because the character is also confused, but I think you could describe what’s happening in a way that makes the confusion more effective. We’re told “A train rocketed past.” I’m assuming at this point that a train is going underneath the wire, and that the gust in the next sentence swept the cat, not William, off his feet. The tumbling down the grassy incline, thorns jabbing, all of that in my mind was visualized as happening to the cat based on the circumstances of the plot up to that point. Maybe that’s just me. If you want to maximize the confusion for the reader, make it explicitly happening to William. “A train rocketed past, inches from the tip of William’s nose. The violent gust of wind it drew swept him off his feet, hurling him down a grassy…” That would give me a real WTF moment that you’re going for, I think.
Overview
An interesting story I would want to continue reading. You have a fun way of description through William’s internal voice that kept me engaged. However, your tendency to continually hit the reader with interesting descriptions at times lowered the effectiveness by not letting any of them breathe. It also arguably made the initial office meeting scene too long before the real action starts. The only thing I’m missing from William is some real dialogue. Your writing is fun, but pare it down to its best parts to keep the story moving.
Thank you for the feedback, you've made a lot of insightful comments. Clarity was a bit issue I was concerned with when writing this, and you've helped a lot with some of your ideas for improvements. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks again!
My opinion I have not the slighest idea of giving good criticism.
Idk what is going on. I just stopped after reading like the start of it.
Like who is he conversing with? Himself? The mentioned lady?
If to himself why use her and if to the reception lady the perspective changed too weirdly.
And your use of reference is too many to make sense and in a sense it's just fillers.
Just a random line fir example:
Eyes shut, Adam’s spiel transformed to a distant seagull’s squawk, circling overhead
English isnt my first language so it may be only me but what is that suppose to mean.
“Now that the summaries are out of the way, let’s hunker down, knee-deep in the cesspit, and sort out the nitty-gritty.”
And this aint a rap battle. And who said that?
Anyway I can understand but understanding takes a lot of effort on my part.
This writing is very British so it might not make much sense to other cultures. The sentence about the summary, for instance, features genuine British phrases often used day to day--believe or not I've spoke to people here who sound like that. Thanks for the feedback, though, it's always nice to know how much clarity there is .
Oh. I dont know anything about Biritish stuff, with my only knowledge being dry sarcasm lol
Lines
“Nothing—he’d followed orders: earned his three-year degree, opened a savings account, and paid his TV licence year on year despite the continuation of Top Gear. “I love this sentence because it really gets into his mind and is also just funny
“Even Ahmed’s peanut bar, which would cause his throat to swell up in terrible agony, seemed sweet relief from another minute of Adam’s absolute drivel.”I think that this characterization is very consistent which I like. The main character is very (internally) dramatic and simultaneously fun but prolly kind of toxic as well
“given her condition” that kind of cutting remark is in character too, I like your narrative voice—
“Or stroke,” he mouthed, suddenly reminded of her late husband.“
That’s… aggressive. The psychology of him hating everyone makes sense but why does he externalize it?
“A pink-collared cat brushed up against his leg, purring, before it was yanked back with a screech by Carrie’s cruel lead“
I’m not sure what screeches here. The cat? Carrie? Why would Carrie screech?
‘ Adam tapped the projected pie chart whilst droning on and on about projected sales and projected expenses and projected profits and projected taxes and projected byelections and projected blah blah blah… Maybe Hell was other people, afterall, but at least in Hell you’d have received a proper trial before persecution. “HE’S SO HATEFUL BUT I’M HERE FOR IT! It’s not entirely clear jf persecution is the right word though, maybe something akin to agony might be better? Persecution has much darker connotations you‘re going for.
“Outwardly: sluggish, he flicked through an endless binder, as though a soulless automaton, whose dead, expressionless eyes and shell-like gauntness better resembled wax effigy than man.Inwardly: an opinion distillery worked overtime to smother every negative thought which dared bubble to the surface with a strike force of overwhelmingly supportive proverbs: What would Jesus do?”This whole section seems unneeded“Not to mention that he’s declawed.”I feel like less time can be spent talking about the cat, but that’s prolly personal preference.
“ ”A train rocketed past. A violent gust swept him off his feet. He tumbled down a grassy incline, thorns jabbing at him, before collapsing in a puddle of squelching mud. Wiping sludge from his face, William looked around. What the hell? Maddening sunlight peeked through birch trees, warming his bruised skin. A blackbird, perched on a rotting treetrunk, nipped at the undergrowth. Flies buzzed around him, and a faint murmur of Friday traffic lingered in the distance. Had time skipped? Or was he able to teleport? And what was that awful smell?” “This ending makes sense and is funny, but I feel like your character would probably go on an annoyed monologue before actually stopping to think and ask reasonable questions.
Other things
Basic overview
It’s a fun read! Your character is hilarious and has a very real and present voice which I really enjoyed. I think the intro could be a bit stronger because your characters misanthropy isn’t immediately evident so perhaps you can introduce him while in the midst of an angry episode? I’m not too sure tbh.
In general, I really love your narrative voice, as it’s distinct, and lighthearted, even as the character himself is more or less a very typically neurotic and annoyed person. I think sometimes you wrote the emotions an action results in more clearly than the action itself more clearly than the action itself, which can work but is occasionally confusing. Otherwise, I think your narrative voice works wonders!
Characters
I love your main character due to his relatability. We’ve all had days where we simply couldn’t be bothered and your guy embodies that. He’s theatrical in his mind but not in conversation/interactions which I think you got spot on, and he’s essentially someone who is smart, knows he’s smart, and refuses to put in effort because he thinks life in general is not worthy of him, which would normally make him unlivable, but his characterization is deep enough and fun enough that I like him regardless. Maybe if we saw the duality of who he is in his mind vs who he appears to be it could improve the characters.
The other characters are cool but slightly one-dimensional, which I think is fine but I don’t have anything to say especially.
Plot/Setting
The setting was vague but that helped in that it gave more freedom for imagination. It’s easy to plant yourself in your version of his shoes by sheer relatability. Some of your individual descriptions (the street etc) are confusing but overall it’s pretty easy to imagine. The plot was definitely not the point of this story, and wasn’t that interesting other than the cat’s great escape. It was fine though, because so much of the focus was on the protagonist's thoughts and humorous misanthropy so it’s a great read for people into psychology but certainly not an action based reader.
Overall, I loved it and would definitely continue reading further!
Sorry for the late reply. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate the feedback. Thanks again!
GENERAL IMPRESSION
I would absolutely keep reading this. It was funny in many places, jarring at times but in an enjoyable way, and I really liked the narrator's voice. Some places, clarity raised a white flag to creativity, but for the most part I really vibed with it.
HOOK
This, because it made me laugh and gave me high expectations. The entirety of it after this kept my interest. I enjoyed all the little asides, the unique imagery, the ridiculous titles. Wasn't ever bored.
PROSE
I think this should be either "as though he were a" or "like a". The way it's written now, I expected the soulless automaton to verb. I think with either of those changes it's clearer that it's a direct comparison from the beginning.
I don't need "overwhelmingly"; it does what "strike force" already did.
This one I just don't understand. Gives me the image of his coworkers either making bets or arguing about the value of something but I'm not sure what, in this context.
These two didn't land for me. I don't really have a good reason to suggest cutting them other than they just weren't as funny as other lines and I felt like they confused the voice a bit as a result.
Is he joking about it if he doesn't know she's not talking about the show? He asks the cat's name next, so it seems like a serious reply.
Given that he referenced the show, I expected this second pet name guess to be that of another TV show, not a laundry-related term. Threw me off.
I think this is a few too many words for the image and it rhymes a bit near the end there. Suggestion: "steamrolled flat" or just "flattened thin".
"seep" and "droves" don't match up to me; one I imagine happening slowly, the other very quickly. This is getting very nit-picky. I'm doing my best.
Can you connect these two sentences, so the two events are more closely related? Given the way this is written, where one sentence may or may not be remotely connected in space to the one before it, I think that'd help build the scene.
PLOT AND PACE
William's mind wanders as he barely endures a mandatory staff meeting. He accidentally allows a coworker's emotional support cat to escape through an open window. Internal panic ensues as William tries to escape blame, and he wishes to be "anywhere but there". Possibly related: he is suddenly transported somewhere else.
Took a minute to parse the last paragraph because of the earlier paragraph in which he reminisces about a family trip to the beach, which was done in a similarly unexplained manner (which I thought was good, not a complaint, just a note). So my first thought was this was just another memory. By the end I understood.
A bit slow, by average standards, maybe? For me, the content and humor filled in the gaps nicely; I didn't have a problem with it. I don't have any blocks of text to suggest cutting to "get to the point" and it's a fun read as-is.
SETTING
Fairly recent in time, given the Top Gear line. Thinking spring/early summer, given the cool wind and the cut grass. Friday, early evening.
I don't have much of an image of the room most of this takes place in so I'm just imagining a too-warm conference room with like one of those fake yellow wood oval tables and people in business dress. Feels like there are three people in the room. Must be more than that, given the three-fifths comment and the laughter, but only three of them talk, so I forget there are others present. They evaporate.
Carrie has a lazy eye. William does not have a bald spot. Otherwise people are undescribed. This does not bother me at all--I like to imagine my own appearances for people based on how they talk/act and I'll immediately forget whatever you tell me about how they look anyway--but I know I'm an outlier here and if that appearance is important to the story then it should probably be sprinkled throughout. Everything else I was able to form a mental image of from the description present.
CHARACTER
William is dissatisfied with his life. A bit moody. Very relatable. He is an average person made distinct through his thoughts. His internal reactions are over-the-top and match the style of the narration; his external reactions are subdued and believable, matching the setting. I don't know much else about him yet but at this point because of how much I liked this, I kind of just trust you to give him depth as required in the second part. For now, I'd happily read his perceptions of the most mundane of events.
That's all I've got. Sorry this is so... overwhelmingly positive and unhelpful lol. I liked it and I'd read more. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for the overwhelmingly positive strike force of compliments! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. Your comments are very useful for the prose and things I never even noticed. Thanks again!