Hi, I just wanted to say that I really appreciated the note 2 left, and obviously I appreciate your thoughts and your time!

Tbh I’lol let this lie for a bit before I redraft, but know that your comments are for sure going to make a stronger next draft! 

It’s really funny to me that you said something about me being a stronger writer, I used to put that in everyone of my reviews, and still often do

Be well!

> Then you'd finally feel safe, to be whoever you are.

Other, smarter people may have gotten what was happening before me, but this is where it finally clicked, and was reinforced quickly in the next few sections.  But just in case others haven’t gotten there yet, you give us this line:

> I'd ask you if we should plant your name.

At which point it was very clear what was happening.  I found the symbolism of burying a dead name poignant. 

> I missed your teacher's call. The voicemail was a lesson in the arithmetic of the real world. How did they make my darling child cry so hard you threw up? How did kindergarteners know the word fag? How could they muster such hate?

The poetry/rhythm is now gone.  It had been fading for some time, but it was not an abrupt change, just a slowing of matching rhythm and rhyme.  The sections before this may not be classic poetry but still read a bit like spoken word.  At this point, though, we’re in the real world again, dealing with reality, and that

**Opening/Hook**

I was hooked immediately, and found it effective.  The poetry is there, and it came through immediately.  It’s almost in perfect iambic pentameter, like a Shakespeare play, and the slight off-ness was a little jilting.  I’ll address the ‘meta’ aspect of the writing later, but if that’s what you’re going for here, then it works, but I wonder if it would be more effective to make the opening paragraph perfect poetry only for it to start breaking down later.  Slight adjustments to get it there would emphasize the ‘classic fairy tale’ prose you’re going for in contrast to the very real language being used.  Such as:

> If I were your angel, my darling son, then I would be a shitty one.

Adjusted to ‘Were I your angel, darling son, then I would be a shitty one.’  Poetry is not my strong suit, but I think this changes the opening line to read in iambic pentameter along with the rhyme itself. Especially since the following line does match this form perfectly:

> My wings wou

I really appreciate the time you took reading and thinking about this!

I’ll be honest I’m not sure exactly where I go from here, but I know looking over your comments they will help me make. Better next draft for sure!

Thanks again!

**Characters**  
Your characters are well done.

  
The narrator, the dad (too me a minute to figure that out, too), since I thought it was someone else entirely unrelated for a bit, is someone I truly feel for. The child is struggling, sure, but oh my god is this man doing his best. He truly, absolutely, adores his child and will go to great lengths (alright, I'm tearing up now!) to help in any and all ways that he can. But, as with any child, not just this one, and even ourselves, we were all absolutely little emotional shits.

  
He gets all his efforts trashed and stomped on, but it's not enough to deter him in the least. I felt for him, and I hope that in the end he's able to keep strong and be there for his child.

  
Go dad! T.T

  
The child... poor thing. Children all have their struggles, and some certainly more than others. I was bullied, and I wasn't even that different, so I can sympathize with someone who is bullied, but their situation comes with so much more. Not only a

**Opening/Hook**

OooooooOooo - Me when I read it.

Needless to say, it comes on strong, and stays that way for quite some time. It goes nicely right up until this line:

>I'd be glad that you're so strong.

It was a lovely dance until that point, and then I tripped and fell on my face like *womp*! Personally, I'd just push that one out of the line up. It's a nice sentiment, but doesn't add anything tremendously important, but also does not fit the flow you've established at all.

Granted, I am no expert on poetry, so it might be there for a reason, but boy did it pull the handbrake on me.

**Prose/Mechanics**

I am no expert on poetry. It's been almost a decade since I took my poetry courses, and thus I will start this section saying you are likely more knowledgeable on the subject than I am. Therefore, I will approach this with the mind of a novice poet, and a generic reader (probably your target audience for most of this).

I like about 4/5ths of it. The meter is generally consisten

I’ve been doxxed!! 

Jk

So I think fairy godmother is one of the hinges of the story, but holy hell, those words will never fit a meter! I  hear what you are saying though, that keeping the meter throughout the subjunctive section was an idea originally 

Regardless thanks as always for your thoughts and time!!

I won't do a full crit for credit, just a short comment meta roundup.

So you're closing in on this dude [https://imgur.com/BNKYE4b](https://imgur.com/BNKYE4b)

(Unless you *are* that dude, which I wouldn't put past you)

I love poetry. And as a queer person the emotions in this piece made my throat close up a helluva lot. 

I was initially torn on whether you should massage this into full, perfect iambic all the way through or let it break down as the story goes on. I think, maybe, full? With a reference to Titania (although the syllable stress is problematic, maybe at the end of a stanza) thrown in somewhere. Unless the thought of doing that makes you want to tear your hair out. I'd personally regard it as a *challenge*.

Like I said, I loved this, and I think it deserves to be really good, and published.

So I totally hear you, and the sort of fairytale/nursery rhyme vibe was intentional. I’m hoping that mixed with the subjunctive tense it creates a metaphorical rug that I can later pull out. 

I think one disconnect is I see this as prose, and I’ll put it in with prose submissions. I think it’s just borrowing poetic elements, and one’s i thoughts the general short fiction audience would be most familiar with.

And geez, I cannot tell you how long it took me to figure out what you are saying, that meter is sort of an agreement between the reader and writer, not so much an absolute truth/there are shades between stressed and unstressed. 

Also sorry if you read the last draft it was not finished…

Idk, imma let this one sit for a minute before the next round of edits. I’m not sure where it goes next

If this isn’t a credit worthy crit then idk what is!

I really really really appreciate the notes on words that stuck out(you are correct in each instance) and also the edits on the power line, which I struggled with and still do

Really there’s lots of great stuff you notes and I’m super glad for your thoughts. I’ll keep sitting with them for sure

**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

Not for credit. I enjoyed reading this, definitely emotionally engaging: a father trying his hardest to be the parent his child needs. I think a few lines could be made more clear, several made to flow better, and a few could be cut. 

**LINES THAT MADE ME TEAR UP**

> and tell you I love you exactly as you are, exactly as you will be, exactly as you always have been

> folded your hands over the kisses, so you would have extra love for later. Just in case.

**WORD FIDDLING**

> If I were your angel, my darling son, then I would be a shitty one.

My immediate reaction is that there are too many syllables in the first half; suggestion: "If I were your angel, my son, then I would be a shitty one." 

> Powers limited to one night, I would try to solve your plight.

Same thing here; suggestion: "Powers only for a night, I would try to solve your plight." That improves the flow, I think, but also "I would try to solve your plight" is a bit awkward, like "plight" is a

I hear you, but I think the real poetry submissions would be so different, and so much shorter, nobody would go for this as poetry

One man's opinion, you'd probably have much better luck formatting it as a poem and submitting it to pro-rate fantasy magazines as poetry versus a story. I can tell you that the submissions for poetry are FAR less than for fiction so you'd have a better shot of getting it published and they're always looking for evocative poetry.

Hey, super late here, but I just wanted to say think you so much for your time and thoughts!

I'm not here to drop a full review or analysis. I'm late to find this post. Poetry is not my forte. And almost every critique I've thought of mentioning has already been said somewhere in this comment section, far better than I could have phrased it.

I'm here to say your short story was phenomenal. You have clearly put a monumental effort into it, and it must be close to your heart. I'm so glad I checked other commenters after my first read through because I realized I would greatly benefit from a reread. My first time through, I was very confused. My second time, I paid much closer attention to each line, having figured out the context of the narrator partly from the ending and from other commenters. It was during my reread that I really came to appreciate the craftsmanship you displayed and the emotional core of the story.

The only feedback I can offer is that maybe you should consider formatting the iambic meter into stanzas, instead of leaving it as block text like prose. I ident

I'm late but thank you for your time and thoughts! Sorry it didn't land for you!

I'm not gonna call this a masterpiece, but mostly to keep you open to some reworking. Whenever we have a good idea, our instinct is to protect it because the process feels magical, which paints our idea of the end product. That said, it's a good idea. The use of narrative language matches (if I'm reading this right, anyways) an individual who relates to a more effeminate gender than the one given to them. I'm not gonna get into arguments over whether the language is "REALLY" effeminate or not, but moreso, I think it's widely accepted as references to things that are traditionally thought of as effeminate in contemporary western society--which is what these fairytales are based in. 

Now that I've covered my ass, I'll talk about why the language works in your favor. I don't think it just works as a reflection of the desired gender of the protagonist, but also cements the sense of "reality" the story has about such an issue. The language comes naturally, as does the identity of the subje

Hey team,

Finally done baking this one to a shareable draft, and christ I've never worked so hard to make it this far.

[The Masterpiece in question](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HR-xXosTgkrPIjpfUFEHQp8E9mqv0Xd3cYq_YZGdEYE/edit?usp=sharing)

[read only](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1B8P0KtU5byFv-wVRxXCO50YyPvcXq1jNcTG7-tBgP-4/edit?usp=sharing)

Things I'd be interested to hear:

Anything you think.

I'm not 100% sure I'll keep the uh, unusual prose choices in the next draft, so thoughts on that and the meta aspect would be of interest.

If you found emotional resonance in the story.

Markets: I'll splash this one around pretty broadly but I’ve got most vibe match for Apex and flash fiction online I think. 

Comp: If you were a dinosaur, my love is closest.

For payment: my personal best for a Crit- [part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/u6x9i6/comment/i5kuxhj/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) [part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/u6x9i6/comment/i5pnmlk/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) \[2700 words\]

&amp;#x200B; Wherein I read 4 other stories from a comp market to make a better oriented crit

[890] A (spec fic) Masterpiece?