Source
r/OCPoetry•
No-City5441

The Shadow

Poem

The shadowy helm shortly lurks

Beating it’s way through my bones

As it hungers for a polluted death

Whilst consuming a most noxious potion

The baneful spirit promptly nests itself

Lying stale in the moonlight

As its blood drains me pale

To hide my insidious delights

Be mindful of the molding manipulation

When it takes on new forms

Nibbling at my beloved psyche

Inside my cracked tasteful skull

And at what cost would it be akin

To having another taste?

If only I had consumed more

Then maybe I’d still have my skin

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/uszx4j/bogstandard_drunk_heartbreak_poem/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ut3bgm/awinter/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Posted May 19, 2022, 3:15 PM UTC · edited

24
Apex_0range•

I really enjoyed reading the imagery in your poem! However I was a little confused at some parts: “ as it’s blood drains me pale” - if your intention is to describe an actual shadow then this line is somewhat confusing as a shadow doesn’t have blood. If you’re going deeper than that and saying that the shadow is like depression or some entity that is draining your blood ( causing you to go pale) then that’s really clever. Assuming that’s what you’re going for Imma go English teacher on you and like flesh out that idea

The shadow is your depression

It hungers for a polluted death (suicide?) Blood drains you pale might mean as your depression becomes stronger, you start to lose yourself (or the idea of you dies as the depression takes over)

If that’s what you were going for then very well done

My only critique is that some of the buzzwords feel placed, like

I have a cat He is fat

Turns into I have a feline He is verbose

Just because the words on their own sound fancier doesn’t always mean they mesh well with their surroundings

💜

2
No-City5441OP•

Thank you! And I appreciate your critiques. You are correct though that was my intention to have the shadow draining me because in the case of this poem it represents my depression but also my addictions to drugs too. How the more I take the blood of whatever drug I’m currently on sucks the life force from my body. Thank you though! As for the dialogue/word choice, I do purposefully go more on the colorful side, or creating dialogue that creates a sort of word painting or tapestry. What I like is to sometimes have a message, or theme, but with the way the words are assembled, or the lines that are written can leave things open to interpretation.

1
No-City5441OP•

But I do understand where you’re coming from 😂 sometimes it can come out a bit lopsided if it’s too wordy.

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