|#5| Years - Wynter Cadere
~
It's been years now but,
yet she is still tattooed on my heart
and lingering in my mind.
When will I ever move on?
~
Posted May 20, 2022, 10:20 AM UTC
36
Hi Op. I suggest incorporating details and imagery. If you're going to make such a short piece you need to fill it with something thats going to hit hard - every word should count. "It's been years now but" - This is something I'd expect to see in a longer piece as potentially a transitional phrase, not in such a short poem at the beginning. Bring us in with images - such as "I've watch the leaves sprout and die 10 times over" - this may not be a great example but I hope you get what I'm trying to say?
2
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1
Sometimes the hit is delayed. You reel for years, but it's inevitable. Cheers friend
1
🥂✨
1
In all honestly, there's nothing really here. This reads like more of a sketch of a poem, an empty sentiment—it falls neatly in the "Instagram poetry" category in the sense of coming across as undeveloped. I say this not in a spirit of cruelty, but only to encourage you to take your ideas and find ways to anchor them in concrete images and enliven them with language that advances a central thesis or movement, even a subtle one.
I highly encourage you to look up Edna St. Vincent Millay's sonnet "[Time does not bring relief; you all have lied]". I'd link it, but I'm on mobile and can't be bothered. You can easily find it online, however.
Millay deals with the same topic that you've presented in this poem, but does a lot with it in fourteen lines, leading to a moment of clarity or revelation—something that's missing in this piece. It would serve as a good model for strengthening this poem.
Thank you so much for the feedback. Honestly speaking I do agree with you on this one. This was one of my early pieces that i wrote around last year. I've been wanting to just post what ever I wrote since then considering that this is a new platform for me and that I have written on alot of others before. Currently I'm on my 21th poem and from today's point of view, I do agree with what you are saying. I also looked up the poem you recommended and it was extremely well written, thank you for the motivation. My favorite part was 'But last year’s bitter loving must remain.' I feel that line spoke to me the most. Thanks for the honest comment <3