[1311] Chapter 1 - Any Port in a Storm

READ-ALONG COMMENTS

I woke up to a day like many others.

My immediate reaction is that this is going to be a boring-as-hell story. About six months ago I didn't know shit about writing (and I still don't lol) so I was googling things like "how write good" and pretty much every basic list of "how write good" includes, somewhere, the idea that beginning a story with the main character waking up is the most overdone and least creative choice you can possibly make.

THAT SAID. The next sentence does explain the character is in jail, which is a bit of a twist, so that got my hopes up a little bit. Maybe this is a purposeful bait and switch type of scenario, where you're specifically trying to turn overdone shit into new shit that's actually interesting?

Being an amnesiac,

Okay but then there was this lol, which is also mentioned on a lot of those lists I was talking about. Waking up AND amnesia? I'm not sure if I'm being played with right now, which is affecting how I perceive the tone of the story. Like if this is an April Fool's type situation, then I should be reading humor into this. But given the content warnings, I'm... hesitant to say that's what's going on. I don't know what to hope for right now. I half-expect another couple overdone writing tropes to kick in in the next paragraph.

My only consolation was the dreams that I occasionally had.

Another thing on many lists: writing about dreams instead of writing about events. Is that what's about to happen? My suspicion that this is purposeful usage of tropes is growing. I'm doing my best to read past it and be engaged with the story, but it's almost reached a kind of meta at this point that I can't help but wait for the next one to pop up. It's like a game.

so too would my captors—for the tests they ran on me seemed to be always some ploy

There is some interesting word arrangement going on here. I have an immediate negative reaction to the way "for" is used here because I think it's overused in general, and used in the wrong contexts. I expect a very specific type of character to say this in a very specific type of setting (basically like a religious figure reciting a religious text or giving a religious speech and outside of that it mostly sounds weird and unnatural to me). I do not expect an average person living in contemporary/future times to speak/think this way.

I feared the day my captors had gotten what they wanted from me.

This I feel ambivalent towards. It'll be a little harder to explain why, and this could just be me.

So this story opens with some relatively plainly stated suicidal ideation, right? That's what you want your reader to believe your character is feeling throughout the story, I'm guessing, since it's how you open and nothing about their situation has changed to affect the way they feel about the value of continuing to live.

In real life, people can be at once suicidal with a plan and also be terrified of being hit by a bus or falling off the edge of a cliff. That is true. We contain multitudes and are capable of feeling two opposite things simultaneously. Which is what your character is doing.

My thoughts, however, are that this might be the wrong move to take with a fictional character, unless this is like, literary fiction and you're going to spend a long-ass time going over and over the way these two feelings coexist, how that can possibly be, how those simultaneous feelings wax and wane and battle each other for dominance over their character's decisions.

If you're not going to be perseverating over how weird and human it is to be feeling both actively suicidal and afraid for your life, then to streamline this narrative and keep the reader from getting confused about how they're supposed to read your character's psychological state, I'd try to rework their fear to be a fear of something other than dying, which is what they supposedly want to do. They can fear pain (that's what a lot of suicidality is anyway: a fear of continued pain), they can fear loss, they can fear a lot of things happening to them that isn't specifically the vague notion of loss of life, and I think that would help keep the character's psychological state straight in my mind.

wincing as usual at the excess of magelight, where there stood a pair of figures dressed in long, white cloaks

This suggests the existence of magic to me. Is that the case? Obviously up to now I've been imagining a very realistic, contemporary setting. If there is magic in this world, can I get a hint of that closer to the beginning so I don't have to rework my mental image of the setting at the halfway point? If not, I might suggest changing "magelight" to something else (and maybe this is just a typo?) and maybe also the long, white cloaks. Are they meant to just be coats? What I'm trying to convey here is my setting confusion and how long it's pulled me out of the story to silently ask these questions. "Mental listeners" is another bit of confusing and unclear language. Maybe with further description I'd have a better understanding of what's going on there.

They had likely grown tired of showing me pictures. Maybe their artist quit.

This is the first I'm hearing of the pictures. If the tests are going to be a big part of this story, consider including some more information about what exactly these tests entail closer to the beginning? Tests have been talked about a lot but I've never had any idea what to picture when the narrator refers to them. Are these physical endurance tests? Tests of pain tolerance? Tests of willpower? Or, as "pictures" suggests to me, tests of association? Right now it's just too vague for me.

The other man, who had been trying to get my attention for some time

Thesis: in first-person POV, only write what the character notices. If the character doesn't know it's happening, it can't appear on the page without breaking the laws of reality. If the other man had been trying to get his attention for a long time and hadn't succeeded, how did the narrator know it was happening? He wasn't paying attention, so he wouldn't know, so this line can't happen.

What lines like this do is distance the reader from the character's mind by forcing them to see the world outside of the character's head to make sense of the sentence. When you choose to use first-person, what you're saying is that you want the reader as far inside your character's head as possible. Distance created by unnoticeable things being noticed is the opposite of that. If you want to write about things that your character doesn't know or isn't familiar with, you want to use a third-person narrative.

As my eyes roamed over his face

Ooh, another one of my favorite things to comment on in first-person. In first-person narratives, it is almost always unnecessary for the narrator to say what their eyes are doing. Think about it this way: this entire story is taking place through the narrator's eyes, right? It goes back to what I said before: everything that happens on the page is something the narrator/character notices. Everything the character doesn't notice doesn't happen on the page. So, whenever anyone does anything, whenever anything appears, whenever an object or person in the scene is being described, it is because the narrator is actively looking at it. Which means you do not have to say what their eyes are doing. It goes without being said that their eyes are doing these things.

When you do write about what first-person eyes are doing, you're again inviting narrative distance that I'm assuming you don't want because you chose first-person. You are forcing your reader to picture your narrator's face and eyes, instead of having them see through the narrator's eyes.

The only time (in my opinion) you should find yourself writing about where a narrator is looking or how they're looking at it is when it conveys a specific mood or is otherwise super important to the scene. So like, it's good to say if your narrator is purposefully not looking at something, because that conveys information about how the narrator is feeling.

And then finally, in place of saying things like "eyes roamed over his face", which implies that the narrator's eyes were doing this for a considerable amount of time, you can use the length of description of what they're looking at to show how long they were looking at it. If your narrator goes on and on about how something/someone looks, detailing them and filling out the image for the reader, that implies fairly easily that they spent a good long time looking at it. On the other hand, if your narrator only gave a short sentence to that thing/person's description, it's kind of the same thing as them giving that thing/person a cursory glance. Length of description goes a long way to make phrases like "eyes roam over" unnecessary.

I hoped to not step on anything sharp.

This seems to be an insignificant detail in the face of what the main character is dealing with on a macro level. Would they really have this thought here? Or would they be more concerned with being heard/seen, want to leave too quickly, and maybe accidentally step on something sharp in their rush to escape? Just thinking about priorities here.

Our hands suddenly glowed with magelight

This is difficult to comment on. I'm torn on how to suggest going about it so that it's less confusing. So my issue is that the character has amnesia, but they know what magelight is, which means that even with amnesia they understand they're in a world with magic, right? So where is the existence of magic in the beginning of the story? Or how can it be made more apparent so that I'm not opening this and thinking I'm reading contemporary?

Alternative: the amnesia prevents her from even understanding what that light is, but that would require a lot more work on your part as the writer to provide explanations in a way that isn't info-dumpy.

In the morning, or what I assumed was morning, I was brought a pallid meal, which I ate while thinking of ways to escape my cell

I often take this to an extreme but I recommend avoiding passive writing in fiction, especially so early in the start of a story. You could try something like “the guards brought me breakfast”.

(Hemingway App is good for identifying passive writing and is free).

In the beginning, I would memorized the guard schedule

Being an amnesiac, I could not remember anyone on the outside, so I had to assume that no one was coming for me.

Interesting. A nice “twist.” Again though, is there a way to word this more strongly? The writing so far strikes me as detached and I’m not finding myself in your character’s shoes.

One of the best openings in any book IMO is Ken Kesey’s ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ which likewise is told in first person. Kesey does a masterful job of getting you into the narrator’s shoes.

That left my escape to the guards, which were changed frequently and who had seemingly been instructed not refused to speak to me.

“seemingly” usually weakens writing IMO. Sometimes it’s appropriate but I try to avoid it.

It > The solitude < was enough to break a person. Indeed, within the month, or at least within thirty cycles of sleeping and wakefulness, I was instead thinking of ways to choke on my spoon quickly and discreetly so that the guards could not rush in and remove it before I died.

Minor quibble and I get what you meant by “it” but I also think simply spelling it out is better.

My only consolation was the dreams that I occasionally had. It was through these that I knew color and sunlight and companionship, and it was because of these that I did not swallow the jagged shard of the bowl I had broken during my first week.

Great paragraph. “I knew color” also does a good job of driving home how bland his existence is and also helps hone the imagery for me.

I did not know if my dreams were only fantasies or if they contained some clue to my lost memories, and I refused to let myself find out—I was sure that as soon as I did, so too would my captors—for the tests they ran on me seemed to be always some ploy to trick my lost memories into returning.

This paragraph seems a bit wordy. And in that italicized part you have “I” repeating itself three times in short order. That makes the writing feel a bit clunky. Is there a way to write that to be more engaging?

The tests! Consider foreshadowing the tests. They felt like they came out of nowhere. That said, it’s still pretty early in the first chapter so you can probably get away with it as written.

but prison life had been wearing wore on me

There was no time to think on it now. Seeing that I had finished my meal, the guards—new ones today—approached me.It seemed that today would be another one of testing.

It must have been drugged, because he slumped over, unconscious.

The bolded part strikes me as slightly clunky.

Maybe their artist quit.

Ha! Also, at this point, I’m guessing he’s getting rescued, or at least, his keepers are staging a rescue as a test. This part upped my interest quite a bit and the first thing that popped into my mind was basically: “As a prisoner in that situation, how would you know if it was a real rescue or a test?” As a reader, I remember you foreshadowed the rescue a bit.

When I started

I think there’s stronger wording you can use here.

They led us to a hidden passage

Multiple pronouns in a sentence can be hard to follow.

The ground was rough and uneven, and the only light we had was the flickering magelight the man held in front of us. I wasn’t restricted by the dark so much, having spent days at a time locked in that terrible lightless cell, but the first thing my captors had done was take away my shoes. I hoped to not step on anything sharp.

For me, “was” creates distance between myself, the reader, and the story. Is there a way to write this that puts the reader right in the protagonists shoes? (i.e. “we stumbled over rough and uneven ground”)

Wrap Up Comments:

I think there's a very interesting story here and I worried that this was all part of a trick and he'd be thrown back in jail. As I pointed out here and there in the in line comments, I did feel like the writing keeps the reader away from the scene. Trimming some of the flub here and there and using stronger wording (i.e. "seemingly" almost always waters down writing unnecessarily) will make for a stronger story.

The pacing builds well and provides momentum. The first paragraph was weak out the gate.

I thought the dialogue between characters was fine. Some of the internal thoughts were a bit flabby.

General Remarks:

It's definitely an interesting story, even though I feel like I don't know too much about what's going on, but neither does the main character it appears, it's almost like a Jason Bourne novel in that respect. But it was fun and easy to read and I felt eager to know what was going to happen next as they leave the prison.

Setting:

I think the setting could use some work. It needs to be made a little more descriptive, it's clear that it's very dark and the protagonist can't tell whether it's day or night. But maybe when she is being 'tested' or interacting with a guard, some kind of description of the room can be given to help us as readers picture it better. I could only picture the main character traveling through a dark haze of sorts which probably isn't what was intended

Character:

The main character, Mara, was very interesting, and I appreciated the first person POV. Listening to her debate suicide as a means of escape gives real insight into how terrible her situation is and helps the reader feel for her. Which helps us get behind her cause of wanting to escape from the prison.

Plot:

I think the plot is likely to be action-driven and dramatic based on what I've read so far. Of course because the protagonist is an amnesiac, figuring out what she is escaping from and why these people were experimenting on her will be part of the plot itself.

I'm also curious to know more about the 'tests' mentioned in the story. They were mentioned frequently but it wasn't clear what they were or how exactly she was being tested, maybe that is something that's explained later on.

Description:

Again, I think this story could benefit from more description. Even though it is set in a dark prison there needs to be something that can be described about her prison cell or the testing room to help us as readers imagine the story in our minds.

POV:

I appreciated the first person POV. I think in a story in which the main character is trapped in a cell initially with no one to speak to it makes sense to stick to a first person account so that we can at least hear her thoughts about everything.

Writing style:

I think it's good for the most part, except the reader tends to rely on passive voice a little too often.

That left my escape to the guards, which were changed frequently

^This could be re-written as: That left my escape to the guards, who changed frequently

Another couple of lines that could be improved:

regardless of if he was another prospective jailer,

^A better line would be: regardless of whether he was another prospective jailer.

The guards—no doubt accomplices—made to escort us out of the room.

^This sentence needs to be re-structured as it isn't clear. Maybe: The guards—no doubt accomplices—were meant to escort us out of the room.

Other than these things I thought it was well written and intriguing and I would be curious to read what happens next.

Overview -

The story's pace is good. At first, i thought it to be a prison-break story, which later is confirmed. But, not having a cliché styled prison break makes a story to read further. The characters in the story are well elaborated according to situation, as i found no need to change anything in this regards. The style seems okay, but having few new words to me, made reading and understanding a little difficult. I like the point of story where everything changes around the MC. Also, the explanation of mental state of MC and how well she had known her captors.

Characters –

1. Prisoner - Aware of her surrounding and captors, this makes the character interesting. But, being amnesiac, i think knowing or remembering this much detail seems impractical to me. Also, As she witness a man knocking other man unconscious and not moving even a slight seems wierd, i assume she shocks to see this and that's why doesn't move a muscle or is strained.

2. The other man - Even though there are not many characters, not having names confuses while reading specially during there escape into unknown passageway. Knowing her and reacting according was obvious move and i have no objection with that. I also find it surprising that he asks nothing to her even as she removes that photos and writings out of drawer, is it because of haste they had to get out of prison? I think an ellaboration is needed.

Plotholes –

"I woke up to a day like many others. In the morning, or what I assumed was morning" - seems not like a exciting start. Instead Waking in day which seems like a morning to me, can give an better effect.

 "That left my escape to the guards," - Even if there is possibility, i think it is impossible the guards would give any chance for her to escape out of the prison, i think this sentence doesn't make sense specially if they want to interrogate her for information.

" "I was instead thinking of ways to choke on my spoon quickly and discreetly so that the guards could not rush in" and "I did not swallow the jagged shard of the bowl I had broken during my first week" -

If she is a important subject to captors, this is unlikely that they would let her keep anything that she can use and kill herself, once again it seems impractical to me.

"Tests they ran on me seemed to be always some ploy to trick my lost memories into returning". - I too think this need more ellaboration, like what kind of tests they are running.

"Initially I worked to be as uncooperative as possible without arousing suspicion" - I am wondering how she is doing that? Because if she is changing her behaviour or actions on purpose, it is very likely they will find out about it.

Perhaps they would let me go if they found what they wanted—or perhaps they would dispose of me. Perhaps even that would be a mercy - Perhaps is used three times and that creates a funny part, if it's not intensional, I suggest using other words like "Maybe" or "it seems". 

 the guards—new ones today—approached me. - Instead new guards approach me would also do. But, you can ignore it, if it's intentional.

"in full view of the guards" - I didn't get what does this sentence mean?

"even as I chided myself for revealing my curiosity I could not tear my eyes away" - what "tears my eyes" mean? Remove?

"As my eyes roamed over his face" - instead my eyes gazed over his face would be more likely.