[Critique] [Short Story] Best Friends
Hi there. I'm looking for honest critiques of my work. It's 423 words. I have been reading and writing almost every day for about five years and have never been published. I aim to one day write professionally. Thanks.
The Jackal returns with a vole in its jaws which it eats while watching the Alsation. The great dog has been limping for a while now. It barks and takes off in the direction of the static city and the other three dogs keep up.
They follow the motorway amongst frozen traffic until they reach the buildings where the stream of dead vehicles spreads. The Jackal is the only one without a collar. It keeps its distance but is always near. The Collie spots a cat and gives chase but returns with a cut paw which the Dalmatian licks.
It starts raining so they sleep in a shop amongst dusty clothes and in the morning they set off east again. The Jackal finds a dead bird which it devours and the Dalmatian whines whilst urinating against a car.
The city is rich with scents so they take their time. The Jackal heads off on his own adventure and the Collie and Dalmatian fight then mate then nap. In one building the Alsatian locates a sachet of powder in a coat pocket, and in another the Collie knocks over a jar of marbles sending the dogs running.
The clouds part and the sun emerges which is no better. The Alsatian finds a bottle of water and bites at it until it bursts and they lick it up. At one point the streets become so clogged with vehicles and debris they have to climb through the roof of a tipped bus and exit through a window. Shortly after, the Jackal returns with a bone and gets into a fight with the Collie over a deflated football.
They enter the subway and eat their fill of rats but eventually retreat from the sheer number of them. A plane demands their attention as it tears overhead. Near an old cinema, the Collie spots the same cat and has a seizure and the others watch.
In the outskirts of the city they find the human that reeks of sweat. He is a little larger than they imagined so they monitor from a distance but this makes no difference. There is a crack and the Jackal goes down and the rest of them scatter.
The dogs spend the night watching the horizon crackle and thump and flash. In the morning the Alsatian gets to work in acquiring another scent while the other two fight then mate then the Collie digs a hole. Eventually the Alsatian blinks its milky eyes then barks and heads south with the others in tow.
Posted Jun 12, 2012, 4:08 AM UTC · edited
*Alsatian [German Shepherd]
I'd insert a comma here to keep this from running on.
Run-on. Fix above.
Break off that end clause with a comma.
Run-on sentence. Fix above.
Run-on sentence. Fix above.
Typo.
Why is "jackal" capitalized at the beginning of the story and decapitalized here? Pick one and stick with it.
Run-on. Fix above.
It's an interesting scene but there's not much conflict so far. Where is this story going?
Thanks for reading the story and providing feedback. Sorry the style wasn't to your taste. For this piece I am experimenting with a different one than normal. As for the picture, I am trying to show a very small part of a much larger story. Each of the dogs show signs of suffering health problems specific to their breed. I tried to portray what we have done to dogs through breeding and how they would fare without us. Ideally, the dogs' fates will be evident through examining small clues.
Again, thanks for reading.
I didn't say that the style wasn't to my taste; the fact that I made so many corrections shouldn't imply that. What I've pointed out aren't stylistic issues, they're grammatical errors. I don't want you to get the idea that I didn't like it just because I marked it up. I'm an editor, marking manuscripts is my job.
If that's what you were going for, I don't feel that it came across clearly. At least it didn't to me. I didn't really understand that the dog's problems were associated with their genetics while I was reading. Due to the setting, I assumed that their various health problems were the result of simple neglect from being left to fend for themselves, or due to some kind of radiation/poison responsible for the disappearance of all the people.
No problem. :)
The genetic backstory was intentionally unapparent. I try and leave a lot of the storytelling to the reader. I like the fact that you imagined a different explanation for the dog's ailments.
On a different topic, when you say grammar is your job, do you mean in the real world? Either way I respect your work. Whether people like it or not grammatical feedback is educational.
Yes, I'm a full-time professional editor (lead editor of a corporate editorial department), and I also run a [freelance editorial business for writers] (http://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/tsbro/copyeditor_for_hire_let_me_help_you_make_your/) - mostly fiction writers (novels and short stories), but also some academic/technical work.
Thanks. It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it. May as well be us obsessive-compulsive English majors.
I've found there are a lot of things submitted here that are just way too subtle. Don't confuse subtlety with vagueness, which is easy to do since as the author, you often get tunnel vision. You don't want the reader wondering what the story is about, you want them wondering about what's going to happen with it.