Source
r/OCPoetry•
EarlyWilter

Slow Burn

Workshop

With you, it was walking on winter ponds –
the ones we were never sure would hold,
the ones I'd run pirouettes on
for years before the ice thinned
and caved in on the seventh,
swallowing me like the mouth of a whale.

That year was the year I got too brave,
and played too fondly with fire.
Not like a game, but an instrument:
carefully strung, picked and plucked, 
laced with spit and sucked like a plum
from its pit.

I could blame the fumes, of course, or the smoke –
but it must have been your warmth that got me;
the glow whenever I filled
my mouth with your name,
the heat of each stroke
and lick of the flame.

(Scribbled a love poem today, still at an early stage but would love to get some feedback or your interpretation if you have the time!)

Reviews:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/uxaavn/comment/i9xipl0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/uwt1h3/comment/i9y4guj/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

Posted May 25, 2022, 3:57 PM UTC

138
suicidal_whs•

Here's my attempt at interpretation since you asked; this is a mournful ode to a former lover from beyond the grave who tempted and tantalized the (I think female) speaker into something dangerous and rash. The references to fumes and smoke clearly imply a hazardous nature on the part of their lover though not abusive (references to warmth), maybe merely a person who lived a dangerous life?

I found your second stanza a bit confusing in its imagery; fire is generally seen as wild, chaotic element, but using the metaphor of an instrument is confusing without further context. 'carefully strung, picked and plucked' implies a high level of deliberate control on the speaker's part. Did their attempts at control backfire spectacularly? I think the poem would be stronger if you had a more continuous transition from the winter / thin ice / tentative and perilous relationship described in the first stanza and the consuming / passionate love implied in the third.

Hope this helps!

2
EarlyWilterOP•

Thanks so much for taking the time to review! It's really interesting to hear your take, and you're certainly on track with my intentions. Your suggestions are great, too.

It's about my now partner and I. I lived abroad for many years, and would see him casually whenever I was at home. We would smoke a lot of weed together, and I was unsure which gave me the bigger high, him or the drugs, so the smoke and fumes in double meaning is in reference to that. I tried very hard not to fall in love with him and managed it, too, overriding my feelings with logic. As for the instrument bit, it's still half-baked, he's a musician so I want a kind of role reversal here - I'll work on it for sure. Thanks again!

1
[deleted]•

Okay, my interpretation: speaker is reminiscing about the year in which they went out with another person and dabbled in reckless, dangerous behavior? What I love:

  • the double u sounds in the first two lines
  • the perfection of the first six lines: smooth, pretty, ambiguous but still leaves room for interpretation
  • the slant rhyme in “strung” and “plucked” and the rhyme in “spit” and “pit” in the second stanza

So the instrument thing is confusing me. You played with fire not as if it was a game but as if it was an instrument—I love the zeugma. But I guess the very nature of playing with fire implies danger, so how do you play with fire carefully? And then the lines that follow make me more confused. “laced with spit and sucked like a plum…” I’m trying to wrap my brain around it… I love the line: “the glow whenever I filled my mouth with your name…” and I think I love it because it feels very personal. I wish we saw a bit more of that intimacy in this poem. Overall, mystifying and beautiful—love it.

2
EarlyWilterOP•

Fantastic suggestions, thank you so much for taking the time!

At this point I rely too much on the sounds and need to rework the imagery quite a bit, but your feedback makes me so happy and I wholeheartedly agree. It is personal to me and came out in a burst, now I'll see if I can tweak it to make it even stronger. Thank you thank you thank you x

1
f-ck_l1f3•

I love the imagery throughout the poem.

2
EarlyWilterOP•

That's so nice of you, thank you!

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1
crazyjoe1998•

I really like this! I nearly didn't like the playing with fire metaphor, just with it being a touch cliché so it pulled me out a bit, though I did like it a lot more next to the plum metaphor. It could be my taste though, but I would probably prefer a different metaphor than playing with fire or playing a game, but I like the idea under it anyhow, I wouldn't take my words too negatively unless you had similar hesitations with those lines. I absolutely love the first and last stanzas.

if you hadn't of described it as a love poem, I would have read it negatively, I guess because of the skating on thin ice idea. My reading then would have been an addict or some kind of moocher playing around with someone they love, knowing that they are running on limited time. They've been treating them badly, knowing the ice is gonna break at some point, while they drain them of their lifeblood (their fire), though they truly enjoy the other person and their fire. Falling through the ice represents that person leaving them, leaving them to die. The last stanza would then be cynical, I liked you because of how you made me feel. I think I read this because the metaphors are all negative, skating on thin ice, playing with fire, consuming it like a plum to the bone. Maybe it says more about me!

I could also see it as falling through thin ice, playing with fire, and so on, would be toying with the notion of falling in love, dancing on the ice, knowing its a possibility, even wanting it to happen, but not wanting it to happen all the same.

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