when your skin covers you with distress
and every strand of hair
is displaced
and your smile is bland
just as your eyes
and your lips turn pale
withered and faded
and your insides tear apart
then rearrange
still then
will i see
the best girl for me
Posted Jun 2, 2022, 1:51 AM UTC
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I love how descriptive this poem is. I quite couldn't get what the last three lines mean. I think 'is displaced' could've been a part of the second line itself? That's it from my side. I love the poem for its specific descriptions which also make sense. Keep writing :)
it’s supposed to connect back to the first line. so, “when your skin covers you with distress, etc… still then will i see the best girl for me.” it’s kinda saying even when all these imperfections come, you would still be my favorite girl. thanks for the review!
Ahh I see, that's very sweet and kind! I thought the poem was about something else but now I get it!
i like this but don't get the rhythm.
I love the first line. Stress covers you like skin. that's great. And then transforms into the best girl for you. but who is you? and I?
The switch between you and I is confusing for me. First read I thought it was about you. But then it makes me feel uncomfortable when I considered you is not referring to you but to someone else becoming the best girl for you. the meaning of the poem changes for me as I consider who you and I are.
the line about the distress and skin is supposed to represent someone not feeling comfortable in their own skin; disliking their body. not exactly as you put it, but similar. their skin (body) makes them feel distressed. the poem is directed towards a girl. that’s who “you” is. “i” is me, talking to the girl. i wrote it as like a personal thing so i guess that isn’t made completely clear without me clarifying that. it’s not exactly about them “becoming the best girl” for me. the whole message to the girl is about them already being the best girl for me, unconditionally. i list all the imperfections that she may attain over time, and ensure that no matter what happens to her physical appearance, she would still be perfect for me. hope that clears it up!
I felt that too. Like the "I" was just accepting of the "you" as they were. I could definitely feel that in there.
I lost the connection on the 'and your insides tear apart, then rearrange'. Before that you can "see" stress in other people, and "see" feel fake smiles, and "see" lips. But you cant "and" see insides tearing apart. To me it's like equating what you can see what what you think they are feeling. It's cool but the and, and, and throws me off course.
No matter what you are, how you feel or see yourself, I see the best version of you. Imperfectly, perfect.
I like this because once, I felt this same way about someone. "Untitled" is a perfect name for this because sometimes, the way we feel, is unexplainable.
10/10.
This is lovely. A real imaginative way to display ones love, and how boundless it is. The short lines are all impactful because they are rich with imagery metaphors. Great work!
this caught my eye as I was scrolling and I am glad because I love the message; something dear to my heart that no better could I express plainly myself.
I like the simplicity and the tone and the flow and how deeply it touches the setting throws of life.
Thank you for your imagery and your message, keep writing!