Oh, you.

>I think maybe the solution is to break it up. 

Yeah, I think this is a good way to approach it. I also like your proposed changes; putting in a caesura right after the weighty phrase 'brass tacks' has a lot of oomph. As for B/safety, imo either way works. Seems like there's enough of a connection that repetition is unnecessary, but it would probably be more a style concern at that point. 

>I think I might keep the line ending in 'but' in L6

Yeah, that one's different from the others for sure. 'Of' and 'like' imply much more straightforward continuations, but the contrasting coordinating conjunction of 'but' works, especially since you follow it up with the most charged and electric (pun intended, hehe) image of the poem.

Thanks for your superbly detailed feedback!   


>Finally, the syntax of "Like the brass tacks I want to reach" (6) could perhaps be reworked. We start with gulls anchored against the windwall, which are then transformed into brass tacks, but now the brass tacks are modified as something the speaker wants to reach. Structurally and narratively, this is the turn, where we zoom in from 'exterior' to 'interior'; in that sense, it works. Grammatically, however, the language itself is not sitting 100% right with me.I think what I did with this line is wildly over-develop it -- the 'brass tacks' being of the conversation, but also how the seagulls are hanging in the sky *and* what the speaker is wanting from the situation with the character 

Yeah, I did wildly over-develop it, without really considering how confusing that might be / I was trying to be a smart-ass -- I think maybe the solution is to break it up. Perhaps by changing 'B' in L4 to 'safety', then changing L6 to something like 'L

I interpret this poem primarily as representing a speaker's attempt at escapism. To escape the unpleasant present scenario, the speaker turns to observations of the outside world only to find that the world is a mirror and the speaker is led inevitably back to the moment of the cutlery being flung by the presumably drunken character of the second stanza. I could see this being interpreted as a literal moment of violence/abuse, but from the speaker's tone I think this could also be read as a poem about frustration and the inability to make forward progress--e.g., in a relationship. That is, you've struck a good balance between showing too much and showing too little; I feel like I can walk away from the poem having contributed something to my own interpretation of it, and am not super worried if I read it the 'right' way, if that makes sense.     


I think the metaphor is nicely developed--we understand the double meaning of dark & stormy (cocktail) from the title, we're given the subl

I actually think the original lineation *looks* cleaner, but I think these endings are stronger (except for the one 'but'.) I'm really torn on this one. Each has its own charm. The cut-down version made it clearer to me where everything was happening and I think the endings are stronger, so pure aesthetics aside, I think the cut down version might be stronger. But, you're also a far more experienced poet than I am, so my opinion should be taken with a full shaker of salt. I love both versions.

Thanks for your excellent feedback :)   


>THANK YOU FOR GIVING US LINE BREAKS!!!!!!!!! This was such a pleasant reading experience; much less cognitively taxing with the line breaks. I was able to sit with each line--the images didn't all blur together.

HAHA! No problem :) I do do a little straight-forward free verse every once in a while. Although I have to say that I do enjoying creating work that is blurry and disorientating, like some amorphous, drunk fever dream.   


>Maybe some of the line endings were a little weak ('of,' 'but,' and 'like')

Yep, i'm abolsutely rusty with free verse and I will be reshuffling the lineation to strengthen these endings. I currently have something that looks a little more like Mooseballs-esque asymmetrical free verse: 

&#x200B;

>Outside stormwaves are inching   
over the shingle, shooting seafoam   
across the coast road.   
I am battling in forward-degrees,   
drunk on the necessity   
of reaching safety.   
Gulls anchor themselves   
against

**Critiques:**

Not gonna lie, when I saw the title of the poem I nearly skipped it. But, then I saw who it was written by and realized the cliché title was probably not representative of the poem itself. I'd consider reconsidering the title because I think a lot of people are conditioned to see a title like that and run away. I can't think of any substantive critiques for this poem. Maybe some of the line endings were a little weak ('of,' 'but,' and 'like'), but I didn't notice until I really squinted at the poem. It might have even been an intentional choice and I might just be too inexperienced to understand the choice. 

**Compliments and Reactions:**

THANK YOU FOR GIVING US LINE BREAKS!!!!!!!!! This was such a pleasant reading experience; much less cognitively taxing with the line breaks. I was able to sit with each line--the images didn't all blur together. This is lush and atmospheric like all of your work. I can picture the little shingle of beach and though you didn't mention

Notes:

I dislike the language of “reaching B”. It doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of the language in the poem. That being said, I’m at a loss of a potential replacement. I feel “reaching B” doesn’t compliment the idea the last stanza proposes of wanting to get out. The reason for the narrator to leave the house and go out on this walk in this stormy weather doesn’t seem like it’s to “reach point B” but rather to escape from the storm that is occurring inside. So the narrator observing the people outside has to give more of a feeling of envy, I feel. 

What interests me about the poem that I feel needs to be explored more is the narrators desire to go out in the stormy weather than staying in with the stormy argument inside. 

Is “outside” indicating the opposite it inside (in which case I’d recommend adding a comma afterwards) or is it indicating the location of the stormwaves (as in, is it an adjective). 

I’m also confused by the imagery of the brass tacks (mainly what it is) and 

I find this quite creative and I really like it!


Personification of storm waves mingled perfectly with gorgeously painted scenes. I say painting because I can quite literally see this in my head, I can hear it. The people leaning in their anoraks, the wind so strong theyre 45 degrees forward and still standing. 

There's a continued theme of being rooted here, it seems to me. People are leaning forward in the wind, resisting it's power but staying on the ground. Gulls are anchored....

And then suddenly there *is* flight- the cutlery, the kitchen's own storm. (Cutlery like forks of lightning is outrageously good... I mean, how could you show us the quick flash of it, the danger and the explosiveness any better?) 

I'd also like to say that I found the first half almost comforting. As mentioned before there is this painting you've made, and it is comforting the way you might feel when you're watching a storm from inside the house. But then the storm follows the reader home and is waiting for them in the kitchen.

Fuckin' bravo 

Crit


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

Thanks for your feedback :) 

I'm definitely working on a new opening line, as per everyone's suggestions -- I'm thinking of personifying the stormwaves, as some kind of grabbing/raking claw. What do you think?  


>Also, something about "cutlery / like forks of lightning" isn't working for me, personally. I think it's the fact that "cutlery" is a word that would normally encompass the other kind of forks. (Or did you do that on purpose as a play on words?) Maybe use a different word than "forks" for the lightning? Like "bolts" or "tongues" or something?

It is absolutely a play on words :)

"Stormwaves are inching" sounds a bit redundant. It might compromise the meter, but I'd try something more like "stormwaves inch." Makes for a cleaner read. (In general, you want to stay away from "X is verbing" phrases in favor of just "X verbs".)

Also, something about "cutlery / like forks of lightning" isn't working for me, personally. I think it's the fact that "cutlery" is a word that would normally encompass the *other* kind of forks. (Or did you do that on purpose as a play on words?) Maybe use a different word than "forks" for the lightning? Like "bolts" or "tongues" or something?

Walking home drunk in a storm \^\_\^.   


Sounds like fun

Outside stormwaves are inching over the shingle, 

Shooting seafoam across the coast road 

And battling against the forward-degrees of 

Walkers drunk on the necessity of reaching B. 

&amp;#x200B;

Gulls anchor themselves against the windwall, 

Like the brass tacks I want to reach, but 

You’re rumbreathed and flinging cutlery like 

Forks of lightning across the kitchen.   


[\[1\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/v4jtiy/comment/ib4y8c2/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) [\[2\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/v4ikey/comment/ib4z289/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Dark & Stormy