He sat down by the river
Listening to wind whisper
Chilled and pleasured
To see the epitome of calm
Of serenity
A beautiful spot
Fills his soul with peace and beauty
/
He sat down by the river
That had washed down her shores down over
Chilled and crying
To see his world shattered
By a river that decided to grow larger
Posted Jun 12, 2022, 9:45 PM UTC
Yea. The imagery is this poem's biggest asset. I think it's good already.
Thank you
I love this poem. Sad but true. Thank you so much for sharing the pain in you
Thank you
I really like this poem and the beautiful imagery. I interpret it as someone who once brought peace and beauty let their true colors overflow, bringing heartache. I like the mirroring of the passages.
One thing I'd change is the second line of the last passage. I think "Looking at overflown shores" would mirror that first passage's second line better.
Good work! ♥️
Thank you
You're welcome♥️
The imagery here is good, but I think you could change a few words to make it more powerful. “down her shores down” for example I think could be re-written to not have two instances of down so near. Also, be aware of in-line rhymes that help a sentence flow but then ending the line with a word that breaks it. Don’t have to have end rhymes (or even internal). Sometimes just try re-reading parts of it by putting inflections on different spots to see if you can find a meter that makes it even better.
Thank you
I like the second stanza more than the first because it does a better job of 'showing'. In comparison, barring the first two lines, the other lines of the first stanza are 'saying', not 'showing'. . If you'd allow me, I'd modify some lines of the second stanza to maintain a better syllable count- "That had washed her shores over", "By a river that grew larger", these are just what I can think of atm. Apart from interpreting it literally, there could be other metaphorical interpretations. I love the message of the poem and the imagery. Keep writing and keep posting :)
Thank you
I hear it as a song. A beautiful, sad, haunting song with or without a guitar! Keep writing! :) It is just beautiful, quite lovely.
Thank you
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I love the imagery but there is something I would change. I can practically see it.
Thank you