Though i am not christian,
I am baptised.
In cold water
Below, Witch,
I scream your name
Into
Bubble letters.
.
They escape;
Silvery slivers.
Slivery silvers.
Slither and watch me
as i climb up steel steps,
Awaiting my return
Posted Jun 13, 2022, 3:34 PM UTC · edited
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Critiques:
At the risk of sounding like Google suggestions, did you mean to write "witch" or did you mean "which"? I'd like some capitalized letters and normal punctuation, s'il vous plaît. I know this was a stylistic choice, but I've been burned by so many juvenile poems written with weird capitalization and punctuation that I nearly skipped this poem, and that would have been tragic because this poem actually has a lot to offer. Additionally, the weird punctuation made the poem harder to read and understand.
Compliments and Reactions:
You've got good ideas here. I loved 'I scream your name into bubble letters'--it's original, creates a striking visual, and created both a sense of the narrator's angst and a bit of fun absurdity. I think if you edit a bit for clarity of grammar/punctuation, it will be a much stronger piece.
Yeah sorry about the grammar mistakes! I was kind of posting in a rush and totally forgot. The whole thing with the trying to seperate stanzas and lines confused me. Thanks for the criticism, I found it very helpful - about the 'witch Vs which' thing, I decided on purpose to write witch because I felt it worked well for the sort of mystical tone of the poem. Tbf it was a last minute add, I wasn't sure about it.
I did wonder about the 'witch verses which', however as i think either work well, its a great decision to leave it as is. It made me instantly read it twice and helped give more content.
Loved it.
Yay, I'm so glad you enjoyed it :)
Wdy think of my meditated version?
Just looked at the edited version and, at least on a visual level, it's working much more for me than the original. Thank you for taking out the random double periods. I totally understand how it might have been necessary with Reddit's weird formatting, but everything looks like it's posted correctly now. I think Christian should be capitalized, since I believe it's a proper noun, but I'm not 100% sure. I also now understand the choice to write witch instead of which. This version is definitely easier to read!
Oh yeah good point about Christian - I think you're right.
I don't quite understand what this is getting at, but that's okay, I don't have to. I like it's overall structure.
This is a banger! The knowledge of the light bringer is proportional to just how down in the deep dark waters one has ventured finding light. How many perspective ways can one experience hate and fear? Love the symbolism as well. Ty.
Interesting hearing your thoughts, thanks for the comment!
As a transcendental post-zen alchemist, I enjoyed this. It's simple, but it's sweet, in an occult kind of way. I'm interpreting that this is about a witch trial where the dunk a witch and drown her. Is this right? Or is it open to interpretation? I think if you flushed this concept out more, even keeping the style as simple as it is, it could break out and take on a life of its own.
Wdym by flush out the concept? Do you mean fleshed? It's maybe a bit inspired by that but not really consciously, it's more about my experience cold water swimming in the ponds near where I grew up.
Well, I got a very different impression from relating it to my experiences, with that dropping of the word "witch" effectively sealing the deal with how I could interpret it. Yes I meant fleshed; typing fast. I just feel like there's gotta be so much more to share, especially if this is based on childhood memories.
Yes, it was originally actually a longer poem but it wasn't really related to the swimming and I thought it didn't work so well. I would like to make it longer but I don't wanna ruin it