I'll Smile
[removed]
Posted Jun 17, 2022, 3:06 PM UTC · edited
289
Very well written
1
I like it. Only criticism is the number of syllables could be changed to keep the meaning and imagery but help with flow and digestion / rhythm.
For example, “illuminated with lovely laughter” feels like a lot, it could be “lit with laughs”. Similarly the last stanza could be lightened. It feels clunky too.
Overall great meaning and concept.
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I agree that it can be shortened, though I think "illuminated by laughter" would be sufficient, and sound good with the line following it. There are many options when it comes to that line!
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Thanks for this, while reading through I kept feeling like something was missing and you pointed it out. I'll work on the syllables, thank you
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I love it. It makes me think of what I’d love to find in my dreams, how much I’d love to escape. It reminds me of that little hope I hold onto that when I fall asleep everything will return to the simplicity of reading a comic book as a child, or an ice cream cone melting down my hand. The juxtaposition of a sweet dream and a harsh reality is something I’d like to write about one day. Thank you for getting me thinking.
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I like this its short and sweet and reminds us to guess what ?
SMILE !
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that last stanza is beautiful, it just gives me a great image of reaching a sort of nirvana, no pain, just silence, calmness, and warm feelings.
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1
"ill lift the corner of my lip, i'll smile" i love this ending. To me i think of death, of finally letting go and enjoying a deep sleep. I hope we all go like that. no regrets, no worries. i also love that this poem makes me feel calm. Thanks for sharing.