I’m so insecure…

Not the I don’t like this feature and I want to just change that a tiny bit I mean that my whole face makes me insecure. I guess it stems from the bulling I endured as a child , but I think the trauma from that is only now starting to affect me. I’m writing here to let my feelings out because I don’t want to pester my friends or partner, but I’m so insecure it’s making me suicidal. I wear makeup around the house just so when I look in the mirror I look better , I’m constantly looking in mirrors not only in my home but everywhere I go. My mum always says I’m pretty so do my friends and lover but I don’t believe it I don’t want compliments although they make me feel good it only last for a day and then I’m back to square one , I try and not think about it but I find myself doing everything to stop myself from feeling ugly but I always some how start taking inverted pictures of my face picking out everything and asking my family and friends if my face is wonky and if everything lines up its annoying for them and for me I just want to look in the mirror and take pictures and think damn I’m so pretty. I work hard , I’m kind and I always look out for my friends and family but the soul thing I crave is beauty , with is egotistical and obnoxious but I cannot help it . I only get compliments on my eyes but nothing else , and it makes me wonder things like are my eyes my only valuable asset , I want my friends to take pictures of me without me having to delete them all because my face doesn’t look right and sure I’m not photogenic but that doesn’t matter if your pretty ? I know I always preach to my friends and family that you should always love yourself but sometimes it’s hard to practice what you preach. Yes I have had many of boyfriends and girlfriends , but why has no one asked for my number ? Or snap or just randomly told me I’m beautiful, You see tons of videos online we’re girls get asked for the numbers I know you shouldn’t materialise beauty and the fact that people haven’t asked you out but it really does make you think am I not good enough for that. I know I’m in a loving relationship and I love them to bits and I always and forever will trust them but I cannot help but think that my personality is the only thing they are attracted to. I’m just so miserable and honestly do think of ending my life about my appearance but I hate my face and I don’t think that will ever change , and my friends oh my god my friends are so beautiful and sometimes I wish I looked like them because I want to be that pretty and I want to feel like My Beaty is something to be proud of not something I want to end my life over . I know I sound so selfish , and I’m alright for being shamed about it because I’m wrong for trying to base my value on my face and my appearance but that is truly how I feel .