Drive Through
[deleted]
Posted Jun 20, 2022, 10:21 AM UTC · edited
26
So it's successful for what it is, but I fear it threads too easily into simple sounds. "invocation / incantation / meditation / flagellation" all feel a little, ...
Have you ever listened to Italian rap? The problem with rhymes in Italian is that they are too easy. Everything ends with a vowel, if you know what I'm saying. Using "tion"-suffix rhymes like this give me the same feeling, like you've done the sonic bare minimum.
I feel similarly about "morning / evening" -- the power of a rhyme is its use as a bridge, a way to append things that are synaptically disparate. Something like "sun" and "fun" are too similar to work as a rhyme, for example. Even "fire" and "desire" is too close IMO.
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thanks for your comment! I have not listened to italian rap. Half-rhyme is something I find myself doing a lot recently. (sacrament/tablets, air/prepared, and all the -tions you mentioned). I suppose the intention here was to mirror the theme of ritual and repetition and religion in the repeated similar sounds. I always thought that readings from the bible had this kind of half-rhyming, almost sounding like olde rhyming poetry. I knew I wanted to appropriate the bible verse in the final stanza, so I was trying to bring that same tone to the rest. I might could try another draft avoiding that, if it's not working. thanks for the notes!
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I have not listened to italian rap.
Good! haha
I suppose the intention here was to mirror the theme of ritual and repetition and religion in the repeated similar sounds.
I can see that now that you've said it, but it veered a little too much toward repetitive for my ear. Sometimes form needn't match content, if you know what I mean.
almost sounding like olde rhyming poetry.
Whitman is probably a decent model for this kind of thing, if you're seeking a model. He was inspired by biblical cadences, if I recall correctly.
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Wow this was so enjoyable, and so funny.
Your choice of words is perfect, the juxtaposition between the topic and language was perfect, just very charming very witty!
Thanks! I appreciate it. Anything you suggest to make it better?