Night one didn't go to plan

I posted an update on my original post, but I don't know if that alerts anyone or anything, so I thought I better put it here instead, even though I'm pretty much completely ashamed of myself.

Well.

That didn't go to plan at all.

I called my friend to cancel her coming around tonight because I didn't want to be around alcohol so soon. She agreed and I relaxed a bit, and when eight o clock swung around to half-past I was watching a movie and drinking a lot of water and generally ignoring my brain freaking out on me.

Then the doorbell went and my friend had come around anyway with two bottles of wine. I said I didn't want to drink because I felt sick and she told me to not be so silly. I also said I didn't want to drink because I was currently drinking too much and was 'on a detox' (a lie, but I'm not ready to say to her, a casual friend, that I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic) and she said that I was being ridiculous and that everyone drinks as much as me and I'm being paranoid.

Anyway, my brain was agreeing with her and I drank a bottle of wine with her. I feel like a pile of shit right now. I couldn't even go ONE NIGHT without drinking? What is wrong with me?

I feel terrible about myself. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel pretty much guilt-ridden and ashamed and sad. I can't even blame my friend for it, it's not like she forced the alcohol down my throat. I have to take responsibility for the fact that I made a choice, and it wasn't the one I should have made, despite all my so-called resolve. I hope I do better tomorrow night. I feel like I've let you all down.