###Description

Virtually *nothing* is described here, minus the fact that Carl might have love handles (and even *that* might not be true since he has body image problems).

The closest you come to describing *anything* is:

* old Carl (ashen brown feet on a black footrest)
* his bedroom (undersized walk-in closet), and
* his mom's posture (hunched over).

Those first two descriptions are good, and that's pretty much all you gave us of anything. I can vaguely assume Carl is of darker complexion, but I have nothing else to go on.

I'm not asking for you to go into painstaking detail, but we're in his bedroom for basically the entirety of this story. What's in there other than books? Is it messy or clean? Does he have posters on the wall? Is it dim or bright? Is there a particular smell (I'd imagine someone this hung up on sex and relationships would have a room that has a...funky odor).

###Grammar, Spelling, and Other Editing Stuff

I have to be honest, some of this is stuff you shoul

###Characters

##Carl

Carl is the main character and protagonist. My biggest problem with Carl is that he, frankly, seems a bit whiny. He gives me weird incel/nice guy feelings, and I'm not sure if that's intentional. He strikes me as the kind of character who thinks that getting someone to like you is about saying a few magic words (he even uses the word enchant) rather than, you know, things like mutual respect or admiration.

He clearly has self-esteem issues (I think you hit these with the right amount of melodrama for a teenager), and I'm guessing these are the seeds of the mental breakdown you allude to. His home life is also a mess, given his parents, from his description, anyway, have a loveless marriage.

One character I want you to include is the aunt. We need the tea-spilling, no bullshit Auntie. Rather than tell us explicitly, take us into the conversation she had with Carl. Show us that and let us decide if she's right or if she's blowing smoke up Carl's ass.

##Henry

I 

###General Remarks

This feels like a first draft. Maybe a second if I'm being generous, but there are some things here that I'd hope you catch the first time through editing.

I'll answer your questions here, and then give a further breakdown.

> if the writing style worked for you

It has its moments, but overall it doesn't work more often than it does. That run-on second sentence took me out of it because I had to reread it multiple times to establish what was going on. I had to break it up to make it readable, and it occurred to me that I was mentally filling in a few words to fix it further from there.

>The prospect taunted me, rearing it’s ugly head with every couple locking hands**;** whenever I lie in bed alone**,** ~~and~~ all I could think about is how stupid I had been to eat all of those fattening pastries over the winter**. ~~which now~~ They** hung like a dead animal from my sides**. ~~and how~~ I**f I hadn’t set up Benjamin and Ryan as a couple**,** I wouldn’t have been

Hello there! Thanks for posting this :) 

Generally, I feel the writing style and the tone of this piece works. It, both due to and despite its sometimes rambling nature, really captures that whole "high school prom" period where people fall into something close to love but really isn't love itself. I suppose, uh, "infatuation" is a more appropriate term. 

To give an example, the sentence beginning "The prospect taunted me[...]" and ending "[...]all the time." was the first thing that really stood out to me. At first all I could think was "Bro, why is this sentence so darn long?!?", but then as I read further in the piece I realized that this was meant to be a high school setting. In fact, it took me until where you outright say high school to understand it, even with the offhand mention of prom at the beginning. Perhaps I was just slow on the uptake, but I do feel like the aforementioned sentence could be broken up just a tad. Like I said, I do fundamentally appreciate your intent (o

[1234] homewrecker