I think I hate my brother.

It's a horrible thing to say, and I hate myself for saying it, but I think I do.

I'm 24, he's younger than me and he lives with my partner and I. He hasn't spent a day at university, when he does manage to find a job he's out on his ass in a week because he doesn't work. He constantly plays video games and never lets myself or Hayley (my partner) have the TV WE pay for. He never pays rent and whenever I ask for it he yells and shoves me. He's maybe 85 kilos (190 pounds in American money), whereas I'm roughly 52 (114 pounds). Whenever we pass each other in the hallway he'll shoulder charge me against the wall and laugh and walk away, not bothering to help me pick myself up off the floor.

The only solitary reason he isn't out on his freeloading ass is because he'll just run back to my mum, who's having cardiac problems. I volunteered to house him because he was giving her so much stress.

I have to lie to my mother on the phone. "Yes mum he's looking for a job, yeah he's paying the rent and behaving himself." and all the while he's listening with a smirk on his goddamned face, knowing he controls us. It drives me and Hayley insane to the point of tears. We can't afford to send him to his own apartment and pay the rent for him and he has no friends to live with, unless his "online friends" count.

My Dad raised me to love my family, and I grew up happy and loving my brothers and sisters like any sibling should. I feel like I'm betraying him by thinking these thoughts. A few nights ago I was watching a show on TV with Hayley when one of the characters was talking about the difficulty he was having with his father, how his dad was an abusive alcoholic (my own brother isnt) and how he never talked to his dad for years and years after he ran away. He said the line "some men don't deserve the love of their sons". I think in this case some brothers don't deserve the love of their sisters, as sickening as I feel saying it, it's true. You can't be loved by someone and expect nothing in return.