I'm afraid of you.

* edit: It's a bit longer than I would have liked, but I think the payoff is worth it :)

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I get a call from a guy who's computer would boot to desktop but then instantly shut down.

I immediately knew what the problem was, because every non-NATted XP machine in the entire world had the same virus at the exact same time.

It was some RPC worm that was exploiting the XP RPC vulnerability before SP1 came along.

Anyhow, as I do free pickup and drop-off, I arrive to find the guy's girlfriend. She brings me the computer and says to me "Uh, my boyfriend got a little mad..."

I take a look at the thing, and there are giant fist marks all along both sides of the case. The removable side panel had been dented in so far that it looked like an asteroid from space had struck it. Chips of paint had flown off as well.

Obviously this guy had flown into a rage and just beat the shit out of the machine with his fists.

Anyways, I get it to my lair and reinstall Windows. Piece of cake.

As I prepare to return the machine, I notice a foil sticker on the back of the machine that reads "Property of Stoney Mountain Penitentiary. If found, call Correctional Service Canada."

* Gulp. *

Now I don't know what to do. This guy has my home number, this guy is obviously very violent and can't control himself, and this man has obviously done hard time in a institutional prison for violent offenders.

After freaking out for a little while, I make my plan.

I return to his home and I place the computer on his steps. I ring the doorbell and run all the way down the walkway and outside the fence. I'll try to feel the situation out.

Well the guy answers the door this time.

This fucker is 6 foot 6, looks like he pumps iron for 3 hours a day, and looks like a genetic freak.

His forehead is pushed back, his face and arms are covered in crude prison tattoos, half of his teeth are either punched out or cracked in half, the guy's huge red eyeballs are pointing in different directions and he's got an upside down cross carved into his forehead.

He starts to stomp towards me.

Well I fucking lose it.

I spun around at warp speed and scrambled to my car as fast as my feet could fly.

As I'm leaving a trail of dust and fecal matter behind me, I scream at the top of my lungs, sounding somewhat like a panicked woman:

"NO CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"