I am spiraling into a hole of dissent and self-loathing for multiple reasons. (extremely long)

There are two main factors to my feelings.

The first and most troubling reason is that my morals are not reflective of society's morals, labeling me an immoral person. The main examples are as follows:

• I believe that it is a desirable attribute to be able to dissociate one's emotions from dealing with a problem involving people and make their decisions solely off of quantitative and qualitative reasoning. People often refer to me as emotionless or cold because of this. I am none of those things, or do I believe. I simply find that emotions cloud one's judgement, which is most undesirable when attempting to solve any problem, especially one involving another person.

• I view physical intimacy on a sexual basis as a physical manifestation of two peoples' feelings for each other. This means that, unlike mainstream society, I will not (and morally cannot) engage in sexual intercourse or any other sexual act (excluding things like "cybering", which I consider along to tandem storytelling). Which is, of course, uncohesive with what society deems acceptable. This also means that I will not, under ANY circumstances, engage in any form of "rough" sex with a person. This includes things as "minor" as a slap on the posterior to the more extreme things. I will not cause someone I care for harm. I am fully aware of the psychological and biological reasons as to why these actions can be considered as pleasurable, but not only is it in violation with my views on physical intimacy, but I also find said acts to be on the same level as causing serious harm to a loved one. In fact, the mere thought of me engaging in these acts (consentually or otherwise) with a hypothetical partner (as I currently have none), makes me quite literally feel as though I murdered a puppy. But, the majority of women which I have talked to enjoy these things on at least some level, deeming it socially accepted, and since I disagree with the social norm, I am considered immoral. This also makes me feel as though I will be unable to sexually provide for any potential partners (I am a heterosexual male).

The other main reason for my (for lack of a more appropriate term) depression is because I feel as though I have no substantial worth to others, and therefore I have no self-worth. There are multiple contributing factors to this.

• I always do my best to help people in need, whether it is giving to a charity, giving someone at school my lunch (I recently graduated high school), consoling one of my few friends and attempting to help with whatever problem They may be having, etc. The problem is that no matter what I do, it never seems to be good enough. My "help" is generally met with disdain due to it's nature, which I explained previously. Whenever I attempt to help my parents around the house, with or without their provocation, it is generally either 1) wrong, or 2) not good enough. The "not good enough" response is also a motif that occurs with my schoolwork, although on a much more passive degree. For example, I just recently received my final report card from high school. I received honours in all of my music classes (I'm a musician of 11 years), and A-A+ in all of my academic courses, barring physics, in which I received a B.

• The most trivial of my maladies is that I view myself as extremely unattractive. I have posted pictures of myself on NSFW sites, and have received a few good comments, but am generally down voted.

• I have terrible luck in terms if relationships. I have only one long term relationship, and left her because I finally realised (after 11 months), that I was just being used. I have been left for other men three times, and have been cheated on twice. This contributing factor is particularly troubling to me. All I really want in life is to find someone who can appreciate me for who I am and return to me the love that I have in my heart. I have almost given up on this, but only retain some hope because, as a human, I cannot predict the future.

All I ask from you, kind and patient reader, is that you give me some sense of validation and convince me that I am not the immoral, worthless being that I believe myself to be.