I just pushed my boyfriend out of my life...

He's the only person that ever really cared I was unhappy. I tried cheering up all the time, I tried geting help a couple of years ago and they said nothing was wrong and it's scared me to go again ever since.

I've been the problem of our relationship since forever, my depression breaks us apart. All I do is yell at him, whine about everything that's wrong, never listen to him, make him miserable, argue with him, break down on him all the time and tell him he's better off without me trying to push him away but then dragging him back into my shit.

Tonight was the final straw, I started up a stupid argument with him then got angry and pitied myself being wrong. He kept saying he needed to go to bed and I kept telling him to just go. It ended up with me saying that again he'd be better off without me. He then gave me a speech that if I had any respect for him or myself I'd stop saying that and just do something about it. So I decided to do something and going away hopefully forever.

I feel like shit for doing it. I'd like to think he's better without me but for some reason I make it worse. I just make him miserable all the time and it's horrible. I've spent all night trying to find somewhere to get help for my depression because I'm desperate to stop making him miserable with me and for that fact everyone else around me too. Just on Friday, I decided to ask him for a referal to get me to a doctor/therapist/psychologist/councillor who'd help me but now that isn't going to happen so I need to do it myself. (I don't know how to get a GP so it's kinda hard and I'm a teenager.)

I just really needed to get this out, I'm really upset. I'm trying to look for self-help guides and none of them will work. I can't take this and I can't talk to anyone I know because they don't believe me when I say I'm unhappy. Now, I have no one...