just came to wine

The worst days are the good ones made crap, you know? First a bit of back story: There is this guy that I'm pretty sure is bi, he sort of confessed (when I asked him) but IDK. I've been trying to set up a hang out day with us, I wanted to go bowling for grad celebration but he bailed last minute (literally I was at the parking lot when he txted nevermind >_>) and then I asked him to go to the movies with me today, to see advengers.

Anyway, so I wake up feeling awesome, got my stones and am ready to have awesome fun, tell him I'm interested in him, whatever happens blah blah blah and then he says "actually I'm gonna hang out with herp today" so I say ok, so I go with my older sister instead. I can still have fun and it was her idea so why not? we go but we see disney's BRAVE instead. good movie. had fun. Had a very intelectual and refreshing convo with my sis on the way home, and then bam! she goes bitchmode over something i said. It was a simple remark over how she uses intimidation to win an argument and she flipped out! she punched me and then clawed my arms saying "I'm more mature than you, you don't get to say i have attitude problems etc." ironic given the situation. anyway now I feel like crap between getting last-minute "no thanks" twice and the cat-scratch-attack.

I cant stop thinking about my life and how much isn't in it and blaaaaaah

more back story: I've got one out-of-school friend I don't see often and I've only had her the past oh 2 years? my days are solemn and boring and to be honest I've spent the whole 18 years of my life not doing anything. I feel like I've lost half of my youthful life simply waiting.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so very lonely and confused and I don't have any confidants or... its just a big mess

all I want, all I've wanted for the past 4 years was one person, just one I could talk to, one person I could hang out with at a moments notice without being chastised or feeling restrained by others or censoring myself, just one friendly soul who wasn't bat shit insane or just so stupid that I lose my marbles every time they open their mouth! they don't have to share any of my interests, they don't have to understand a word of my vocabulary, I just want.. to be heard. I want someone to value my opinion. I want someone to actually care about my emotional well being. I want someone to know things about me, things I've told only them, things I've told everyone, I want them to remember these things and actually form their sentences with these memories in mind.

I want... more than what I have right now because, even though I'm not starving, even though I'm not someones toy, or expendable soldier, or dying of some horrible disease, or being taken apart for "parts" my life is still bad. I've still had bad experiences and more hollow ones than good. I still get to pursue happiness right? I haven't suffered the most but it's still a bad deal, worst than the ones around me. maybe not as bad as other bros out there. But at what point will I finally have put up with enough abuse and neglect to finally deserve a trophy of joy. To have one person ask me if I want to hang out, I've never been invited to anything. To have one person say I'm attractive or have any redeemable quality.

I focus so much of my energy watching my words and actions, being so sure that nothing i say hurts the other person. I'm paranoid to send playful texts because I don't want the other person to think I was actually insulting them. I'm terrified of physical contact with anyone because I don't want them to think I'm coming on to them or whatever might be assumed contextually.

...sorry, I was going to delete this, I typed it just to get it out of my head, but I really need to know.. to feel heard. So thanks :)

TL:DR I'm having a bad day and I'm reflecting negatively on my life