I need help.

I have struggled with me self image for almost as long as i can remember. Technically, I have always been a small person and skinny. I have gone through ups and downs of weight loss since I was probably 13 (I have never been fat so to speak). I'm 21 now and recently married.

This past year I have been unable to work (emigrating to another country and visa doesn't have work rights). I have always been a deep thinker, especially when I have nothing to do.

Every time I go through a period of unemployment or a summer holiday (ie summer break when in school) I get obsessive. And it's always about my weight.

Right now, I am at the skinniest i have ever been. And I love it. I obsess over the food I eat, even what i drink. I count calories relentlessly. I don't eat a single thing all day until 8 PM and will, at times binge (never purge, though I have tried).

To get my mind off of eating during the day, I exercise obsessively. I run 5km a day, push ups, sit ups, yoga, and lots of walking.

I love seeing and feeling my bones. I love being lean. I like the feeling of control.

But what i see in the mirror is different every time. Some days I am proud of myself. I have a hard flat stomach, and beautiful collar bones. Then I come back to the mirror an hour later and see a completely different person.

Eating something during the day can make me feel bad enough to nearly cry. I'll stare at myself in the mirror for an hour picking over and obsessing about every little thing.

Sometimes it takes me half an hour just to get dressed in the morning. I have to find something that makes me look skinny.

It has never been this bad before. I want it to stop but at the same time, I love how skinny I am.

One of the biggest reasons I am posting, I don't think my husband is attracted to me anymore. My breasts are so small, I have no hips, no shape. I want only that back so badly. But I know the only way to get that again is to be fatter. I don't want the comments from people anymore. I don't want to feel ostracized if I am out with people and they eat lunch.

I have never looked for help before. I don't know where to start. I want to be ok with being normal. I want my husband to be attracted to me again, I don't want to obsess, I want to be Ok with mirrors, I just don't want to think about this anymore. I can't stop.