Redditors who were abused as a child, whats your story and how did you evolve?

My younger brother and me constantly fought over stuff(he was really selfish as a kid and his selfishness was reinforced by my father who said he was the man of the house if he's not home and he implied that he was his favorite child). My dad always took his side and beat the hell out of me, I'm not "being a pussy", that would even hurt today. Sometimes he felt sorry and actually gave me money, you can probably see how that would effect a child. He also had fights with my mom(he also beat her couple of times, which even today brings anxiety and bad memories) and my two brothers and me witnessed it constantly. An idiot, as I was, I blamed my mom for that stuff when I was older(my dad died when I was 10), I think because subconsciously I thought it was her fault for not stopping him somehow or not divorcing him(those fights apparently happened even before they got married and had us and my dad was very abusive of her even back then, one thing he also did was made my mom have a third child, my youngest brother)and I was douchebag to her. My dad died between summer vacations and the next school year, I went to school without my dad. I was really turning into a jerk, I had two great friends, but I constantly needed to manipulate, control them, so I would somehow feel like I have some control, some superiority. Well, I'm so glad they're actually successful(they have good grades, are in an "elite" school, have friends, are popular), but I still can't shake the guilt. One of those friends even once said that that was traumatic experience of his childhood, we were eleven when I went into school without my dad and it lasted two years). I think I'm never going to stop feeling guilty, ashamed and stupid for messing with my friends and my mom like dad, I hope they can forgive me one day.