Ashamed of myself, really-really long.

A little back-story:

I was home schooled ‘til 5th grade and I didn’t quite “get the hang” of school until High School. My grades were never really very good, I felt highly accomplished whenever I got a C and my parents to this day are still convinced that I’m some kind of genius but very lazy. I never really had a group of friends, people actually barely talked to me, it’s not that I was unpopular as much as I hated to talk and was bad at it. Teachers had to force words out of me and when they did it wasn’t much. On the other hand, when I did get comfortable I would say outrages things and act ridiculously for the attention but feel foolish later. I was chubby, unhygienic and anti-social once I discovered masturbation. When I was 13 my family moved to Portugal(Europe) and I absolutely hated it at first. The kids at the international school that I went to were so tightly knit that I felt completely ostracized. At that age I started to fall in love with basketball and swimming plus the active lifestyle in general. I didn’t go out for either of the teams though because I felt unwanted. Because of this my grades dropped even lower, for the first time ever I received a failing grade in a class, and barely passed two others. My parents, who are very caring and do love me very much, had me transferred to a smaller school/church with about 15 students in all of the high school. The next two years, 9th and 10th grade, were the happiest years of my life that I can remember. I met some friends who seemed so genuine and attractive and slowly became the same way, I learned to speak my mind more eloquently and got into amazing shape from swimming, surfing and basketball. Once I turned 16 I started drinking and had a fantastic time hanging on the beach and talking to pretty girls. I loved these people. Not the taco kind of love, the people you’d happily spend the rest of your life with kind of love. We all became very religious together, too. Then I moved back to America… Kansas, of all places. Kansas: Hot and dry, a completely different culture. The closest beach is in Texas and all everyone talked about was driving, sports and college. Every day, driving sports and college. Great topics in moderation, but after three years they’ve started to eat away at me to the point where I can’t even enjoy watching basketball on TV. I was 17 when I arrived and I had zero clue how to drive, which is something that people didn’t find very “cool”. So I started lying about it. Next people found out that I knew next to nothing about college football or basketball and that wasn’t quite hip either. So I started lying about it. I did well my first year there, but I started getting into these ruts, where a negative thought would spiral in my head and leave me depressed and tired and unable to think positive thoughts about myself. I was, and am, so embarrassed about myself… I didn’t even ask my parents how to drive until I was 18 because it made me queasy to think about. I felt like I couldn’t have any real conversations with anyone because of all of the lies, and they kept leading to more lies until I started lying without even thinking about it. Whenever someone would ask me a question I would automatically answer in the coolest way possible. I began to fear speaking to people again like I had as a child, I’d come home with headaches everyday from being around all of the people, I couldn’t look counselors in the eye or have a conversation with my parents without lying about something pointless. I didn’t join the basketball or diving team because people would find out about my driving lies. I started skipping classes; probably skipped more than I attend when depressed. I think I had 60% attendance in most and through self-destructing bursts of charisma and absolute apathy for the truth I was able to keep my parents from ever finding out. The only reason I even got accepted to the local college is because of my excellent ACT score(supporting me being very lazy) and the college’s low standards.

Skip forwards a year:

I recently dropped out of college after my freshman year(big surprise there). I chose Political Science for honestly no reason but because it seems like a specific major that a smart person would chose, I have maybe an average interest in politics and law. The first semester went okay but this last one I literally gave up on class and got failing grades in all five classes(Cumulative GPA of .56) and am living with my parents, unable to drive, 20 pounds overweight, although my parents and siblings are acting like it’s 200. I often have to ask my little 16 year old sister to drive me to work and I’m suppose to be a role model to her, it’s humiliating. The same sister recently walked into my room and caught me masturbating after work covered in dirt and nearly half asleep. I want to move out and get an apartment or something but I have 2000 dollars to my name and hope to some day got to college with a goal other than try to keep my parents from finding out that I’m a closet loser.

A little perspective:

Father: Retired Lieutenant Colonel with a degree in Math and Business from UT and OU, respectively, who now works as an insurance agent( … and makes bank.)

Daughter: Graduated with a 3.8 GPA and went to Trinity(following a boyfriend, could have gone to so many better schools) where she played D2 woman’s basketball

Daughter 2: 4.2 GPA just graduated senior year, planning on going to the same school as me, hoping to study together.

Daughter 3: Point Guard for High School Varsity basketball team in her freshman year, 4.0 GPA drives a car she bought with her own money even though she was offered one from my parents.

Daughter 4: near prodigy-level gymnast, fluid in Portuguese and English, 8 years old.

Son: Me, Pathologic liar who barely passed high school due to credit hour issues. Couldn’t bother to go to class, wasted year of father’s GI bill. Will need to go to community college before able to go to “big boy” school again… watching himself waste life. Avid masturbator

I honestly don’t think I’m suicidal, but sometimes I think about where I am and giving up sounds so appealing. If I was to just end it I could still be remembered fondly before my parents realize how much of disappointment I am.