How I feel

I just want to die I don't care about anything Im 15 years old have severe clinical depression anxiety and i have aspergers. I have been depressed almost my entire life and I've been severly depressed for the past 2-3 years. I wake up everyday exercise and try to think positive and tell my self, today will be a good day. I try and pray to god to help me just let me feel happy for one day he never answers my prayer every day i just spiral deeper and deeper into this fucked up depressing hole that i call my life. I constantly fantasize about suicide and others killing me in the most gruesome ways I always dream of jumping off a building or hanging myself getting in a car crash and I just die or someone stabbing me or shooting me I really want to die but I could not get the courage to commit suicide. I self harm quite a bit too I've cut, hit, and bit myself because I dont ever feel happy and feel alien to this planet.  I can not connect with anyone i can't tell when people are joking or what they are thinking of me and it's horrible. I moved away about two years ago from a place that i was probably the happiest ive ever been in my life and will probably be the last time I'll ever be  happy. Where i used to live my friend and i became very close and after i moved away i became depressed and I recently told  him that  I want to commit suicide and he finally convinced that I shouldn't but after that we haven't talked much and I don't know If I annoyed him with my suicidal thoughts or what but he isn't talking to me, so I have no one to talk to. The  only other person I had that I could talk  to is my older sister who today just left for college  so I really have no one to talk to.   Also I haven't had any luck with a girl in my life every girl that I try and talk to just makes fun of me and rejects me because I'm a skinny kid with horrible acne and I'm awkward i just want a girl to just to be with and just maybe make me feel somewhat better and just so people don't make fun of me because I can't get a girlfriend, but no not me  because, no one understands what I go through on a daily basis just to put on this mask of fake happiness so others can go on with their lives and not worry about me. I've tried talking to counselors and been put on medicine for my depression and opening up because I don't talk much and I keep to myself but none of that has helped ever and I don't think it ever will.

I spend most of my time playing video games I play them because I'm addicted to it and because it keeps my mind off of my depressing life.

Also my short term memory is absolutely horrible and everyone yells at me because i can't remember what people have just told me and then they make me feel bad I then feel guilty and I start having panic attacks which are fucking terrible and they happen at least a couple times an hour EVERYDAY 

In high school I have very few friends I get bullied daily. I ask my friend to hang out sometimes and he always says he'll ask and he never texts or calls me back so I am isolated and by myself most of my days. 

When I'm alone I always wish to be in a social situation, but when I'm in a social situation I want to be alone which makes it really hard to become and stay social given how I feel all the time. This makes me really angry and makes me throw tantrums and break things.

I cry myself to sleep frequently I disappoint myself because I'm such a fuck up and can't impress anyone and I can't do a single thing right oh and not to mention I'm a huge wimp.

I just want to feel happy, truly happy just for a day and be free of all my suicidal thoughts and actions and just live happy is that to much to ask?

If you read this thank you it means alot just for people to listen to me sorry for all the venting but todays a really shitty day and I have been crying off and on all day  Hope everyone else had a better day than me