This isn't quite as important as those out there with cancer or millions dying in third world countries, but I had to just write about it somewhere.

First off, I want to say that I am a non-Christian. Honestly, I have no idea what I am, probably closest to Agnostic. For awhile now, I have been talking with a woman I fell for. She's always been there for me, despite the stupid stuff I've done and said. Been there for me at my worst. Of course, she is a devout Christian, as well as her family. We met recently for the first time, really hit it off. She tried to make it clear that it was not possible for a relationship, however her actions were contradictory. We became very close physically, everything seemed very right. I can say I have never had such great emotion towards somebody in such a short period of time. Everything she said about me, how great of a person I am, how everything is so amazing about me, how she missed me when I wasn't with her..All that stuff that makes you feel REALLY good. Our interaction together was as if we were in a relationship, and by anybody else it would definitely be interpreted as such. Of course, I knew I was fooling myself, I knew it couldn't be, just the feeling I got with her was unreal. Something I had never really experienced before. This may also be due to me going through a rather difficult time in my life right now, so it was like having a shining star come through in complete, desolate darkness. She spoke of her difficult past with her family, and how God gave her the strength to make it through, and his love gave her the ability to help others and care for others. She hoped that I can gain the same feeling from God, that I can learn to be happy and feel loved by God. Around the ending of our last interaction, she came clean and simply said that she doesn't believe she could bring herself to have a relationship with a non-Christian, and her family would oppose as well, in which she wants to respect her family. I wanted to get across that there didn't need to be a "dating status" type deal, I just enjoyed spending time with her, being close with her. Everything else can wait. Of course, she wanted to cease all of the physical closeness stuff, which I can understand and I expected, but expecting things doesn't make them any easier to deal with.

Now all I can say is that I don't believe I have ever been so depressed in my entire life. I have a slight alcohol problem, however I am unemployed and my alcohol funds are not really there, which I suppose may be a good thing..Despite being unemployed. I guess why I really posted this to r/Christianity is because I just can't believe how strong religion is...I can't just start going to church and calling myself a Christian, even for her. But now I am absolutely obsessed with learning more, understanding more. I went out and spent $120 on 3 different bibles, ESV, NKJV, and NIV. I will most likely start attending church. I'm not doing this with the sole intention of becoming a Christian, I'm doing this to better understand it. On the flipside, I'm mad. Mad at "God", mad at religion, everything. I feel like I just lost the woman of my dreams because of religion. I have never felt so alone.