Some people never go crazy, what truly boring lives they must lead......

Is there a love? To shelter me? Only love, love sets me free, Is there a love? To shelter me? Only love, love set me free (Forgive the cheesiness, currentley love this album because it's music that explains my feelings.) I have suffered from depression since I was 13/14 years old. I have no reason to be depressed, I just am. I have been for so long that it feels like normal life to me. In March this year I went to a clinic to be fully diagnosed. They simply told me if I exercised and ate well I would feel alot better in a short while. While I followed their advice, it seemed it didn't help much, I would still stay up late at night and think about the things I could have done better in my life, how I could have made everything right. I feel nothing these days but 'depression' I use this word in quotes because I do not have the volcabulary to explain it. I feel empty, alone, emotionless, I don't care what happens to me, and a lot of other feelings which I cannot express. I feel as though that I have a worse mental state than other people that I know. I am far more emotional than what my best friends usually are about things. I know that a few of my best friends have suffered from depression in the past but they say I am far more emotional than what they were when they were dealing with it in the past. I just feel like the forever aloner within my group of friends. There is one girl I like, that I have liked for about a year who seems to have no interest in a fully pledged relationship. I also have no intentions because I fear my feelings will eventually show towards her, but I usually hide my emotions (even on the internet about depression, I see it as a sign of weakness (as it is seen in my country that way)). Anyway I just wanted to vent, the girl I liked kissed another guy tonight which made me head home with the black dog tonight. Which made me think how I could have made my life better to make this happen.

It seems I have to be someone that I am not so I can be liked. But that's just me personally.

(I also do feel suicidal, I have attempted suicide in the past, but failed. The fear of ending life is stronger than the will to end it, just in case anyone asks if I attempt to kill myself. P.S. Also drunk for me to finally express myself on this subreddit.)