Abusive mother; leaving house. Not sure how long.

Not quite sure if this belongs here. Anyways, I'm new to reddit, so please forgive me. /confessionnumerouno

My mother has been hitting my brother and me for as long as I remember. /another one in a long list

It's always been "punishment" for something I've done. Recently (since my brother has gotten old enough to hit back), it's more been verbal. I used to attribute it to the fact that her culture is different from mine. To be clear, I'm an Asian American. My older brother and I are the first generation to be born here. Mom was born and raised in the slums of Malaysia, but culturally, we're Chinese. It's a complicated story and the information I've given is enough for a person to figure out who I am IRL if they use reddit.

I used to comfort myself in the fact that the objects she used to hit me were never objects that were really solid and I never had any lasting scars. Now that I think about it, I've been repressing my memories of the times I've been beaten since I was younger. It used to happen once every month at least... In recent years, at least three times a year? I know for certain that she screams and yells at me several times a week. All of it is "my own fault". Even hearing her yell at me, (since most of the time she's yelling, I'm helping her cook) makes me want to whimper and curl into a ball. I would if not for the fact that she's always holding a knife. I think ehr self control is better, but it doesn't change the fact that I can completely imagine her cutting me open out of rage. I guess I'm more sensitive than I thought... I'm crying as I type.

Anyways, I've dealt with this as well as my own brother dealing with the effects of out crazy ass mother for about five years I think? My brother was physically abusive for a time, but also verbally abusive. On one occasion, although I started it, he stabbed me with scissors. I almost lost a leg and I have two large scars you can see easily if I'm wearing shorts. Because he didn't hit my face too many times on purpose and didn't try to hit any vital areas, I still think he did it all on purpose. I ended up with 5 different stab wounds, three superficial, and three scars. I continually tell myself no one loves me, but my heart has grown past suicide (as a result of my maturing during my foreign exchange). The one and only time I've made myself get away was ten months ago, i.e. last August. I decided to become an exchange student. It was one of the few things keeping me from committing suicide two years ago. I couldn't tell you the other things if I tried. I don't remember.

I went on exchange to Taiwan in an effort to not hate my father and mother. (My father for allowing my mother's wrath to be inflicted on us and my mother for the reasons I stated.)

I saw my mother in everything the people there did, so I couldn't quite figure out how to immerse properly and I found myself hating them a bit... until the end. Now it's more like I hate rich people/businessmen. That's another story.

I've been back for a little bit more than a week now and she's been yelling 3/10 days... or has it been 4? I'm stronger now, but I don't know if I can survive.

I'm leaving this house tonight. No matter what it takes. If I remember more, I don't know... I just needed to say something. I've been too much of a coward to tell anyone these feelings for a while.

Also, I'm scared of becoming like my mother. I don't want to do this to my children. I'm scared of the statistics that say your children will grow up to be abusive if you are. I think this abuse has affected my interactions with my friends and people at school my entire life.

That's about it for tonight. I'm gonna start packing. Enough's enough.