Grief

After finishing this poem, I was filled with a profound heaviness. I felt as though I was the one grieving. Though the poet, uses the first person POV towards the end, it is so intimate that it might as well have been written in the second person. I think the fact that the first-person POV doesn't come until the end adds to this.

I am in love with the third stanza. I think that stanza perfectly captured the ability to rhyme without drawing so much attention to the rhymes themselves. And the rhetorical questions did hit me hard.

In most lines, this poem is pretty general in terms of its outlook on grief. I mean to say that it does not hone in on any one specific event of grieving. But then we get to line 13, '...the coldest of mothers'. What an odd text. Is this referring to the dead body of a mother? Carrying on, we see 'You'll still love the woman I grow into'. In my mind, this is typically said to a parental figure which leads me to guess that pieces of this work are charged by a loss of a parent to whom the speaker is very close.

I have spoken a bit about rhymes already but let us dip our toes even further. The last stanza, I find, has a very basic rhyme structure for its even-numbered lines. Most of the words end with 'to' and line 4 has 'too' in its sentence to further tie it in. I loved that.

I also wonder why the 8th line in stanza one does not rhyme with the other even-numbered lines in its stanza. Additionally, it is only an eye rhyme and does not actually rhyme with the odd-numbered lines either.

Coming to the structure, most of the lines are in pentameter. I wonder why not all of them follow that structure as seen in lines 2 and 6. I do not think that it detracts much from the poem, but it is a bit obvious when reading out loud and can pull the reader out of the story.

Furthermore, I enjoyed how each stanza flows into the next and how each idea is carried on from the next. Stanza one ends with anger and stanza two starts with it. 'When' is a keyword at the end of stanza two and carries on into stanza three. Stanza four connects with stanza three by giving a reason why the love does not need a resting place. Generally, the poem has a nice cohesiveness to it.

Lastly, I think the line, "...it did weave' gives an old feel to the poem which in my opinion the other lines didn't have so that draws a lot of attention to that line. I think better substitutes could be chosen to get that sweet sweet pentameter. Maybe you could try, 'when such a beautiful thing it would weave'. But then that gives us the problem of alliteration.

Overall, I enjoyed analyzing your work. Good luck!

It’s very well written I love how the metaphors captured every sentence and emotion it was very structured yet filled with those emotions 🖤

So moving, thank you.

wow! i really like how you broke it all down from how "grief is love with no where to go" (i really like that line btw) to anger, guilt and shame. it almost makes me feel better like a therapy session, but the you hit me with "i don't need plaster to make me brand new i need a place for this love to rest" it just so.. i cant even pin point what it is ... and then the weight of the grief comes right back because there is no where to rest it.

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I really like the wording of this, like “dark entropy of emotion,” and “grief isn’t a hole that you can peer through” , great job!

The coldest of mothers. Wow ❤️💔

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It's not often something that I read, can cause just the white hot feeling that I hate so much in my chest.

I feel like this accurately encompasses a way to describe grief to somebody who has never experienced it.

I'm not sure how long ago you wrote this poem or how much new feeling went into this, but I definitely really like it and I feel like again if you need to explain grief to somebody, this poem would be a good way to.

When I read this poem I understood what it meant to grieve and I feel that the ability to feel guilt is a powerful thing. When I read it the second time I could see the relationship between anger and guilt jump off the page. They were speaking to me because sometimes I feel my humanity slipping and guilt is a thing that holds me steady. I also liked the rhythm that you put it in I usually write my poetry in a rhythm also. I really like how you tied it back to the beginning it gave me an understanding of what I didn’t understand in the beginning. In the beginning I felt lost with nowhere to go but by the end I was connected to the beginning

This poem has so much meaning. It feels like it would be an injustice to share only a little feedback. I have also read through your comments. I wish you peace in place of your heartache.

The first two stanzas, while meaningful, don’t pull the reader in quite like the others. They are impersonal descriptions. If that’s intended, that’s ok. The most powerful parts of those stanzas are where you include the metaphors and similes. I would strongly consider either including more or playing off of what you already have.

The dark entropy of emotion

This sentence threw me off a bit. Entropy, if meaning that things are occurring disorderly, what is the correct order? How is that loss of order effecting you? I really hate to push the wound, but it’s important to get out what you want to say most. Is the real order that you had so many plans for your friendship that are now shattered, leaving fragments of broken joy in place of beauty? You speak a lot of plans in the second stanza and onward, but it could connect quicker to make this phrase make better sense, at least in the first passthrough.

The coldest of mothers

My goodness, what a line! At first, this felt to me like a shaming mother who only wants their child to grow up and do what’s correct, but has no sympathy or care. I’m not sure that’s what you intended; though, I read about a dead mother in the comments and it reminded me of my recently passed grandpa. I kissed his forehead. It was so cold and unnatural.

Again, I really think playing more into the power of the metaphors and similes here would really add to the first two stanzas.

The distress is passed on so well in the last three stanzas (or was it intended to be two stanzas?). I’m not sure how much the ‘plaster’ piece fits. Maybe it’s not elaborated enough. I realize you mean to pick up a smile and just pretend you’re happy, but do you really mean to say that you don’t need new love? What you really need is to recognize the value of your current love and tend to it with rest? Oddly, this conflicts just ever so slightly with the first stanza that claims that grief has no passageways. How will you give it ‘a place for this love to rest’ if you can’t get it out of you?

That may be a very unimportant technicality, and I can be wrong. No worries if you ignore that piece.

The last two stanzas are heartbreaking. They really spill out your soul. I am unsure what you mean by

So I must find a safe place for you too

Do you mean to separate yourself and your friend in a sense?

The poem reads like you’re speaking to a lost lover. You mentioned in the comments that it is regarding a friend. I’m unsure if that’s the desired result. A lover can and should be our best friend.

The last line, wow…. It really highlights how much you miss your friend, but that you’re making the decision to keep moving on and get better. Bravo to you, sis. I pray and wish for your best.

Definitely feel the sadness. Very good description of grief.

I’m not a fan of poetry that’s addressed to me, I’d much rather read the story of someone else. I also am not a fan of someone telling me what things are, like ”grief is…” I think the ideas are very very strong, just I don’t know how psychologically accurate it is. It might be, but I kept wondering, but if you take the ideas and put them in someone’s actions and experience it could be much stronger, imho. the tension of grief and the emotions you mention are strong, why not describe someone going through this.

also you switch from you to I in the last stanza, which makes sense, because I realize you are talking about yourself through the whole thing, but artisticly it turns from self help to journaling.

I like the rhyming scheme, it helps keep it flowing as an exploration of ideas.

I would like to see the lines separated out instead of indicated by capital letters, that’s confusing and doesn’t help with your message, or at least I’m not sure it does so far.

I will say, the poem left me feeling my feelings of grief and guilt and growing passed. The emotions are there, so very well there, thank you. Keeep sharing.