[Rant] I don't exist.

I have tried to post this here so many times...

Nothing feels like it's real anymore. I doubt everything. I doubt my friends, and I doubt that I even have anxiety, even though I see a psychologist out of school and the school counsellor, and I doubt that things will be okay.

I don't blame you if you feel like this doesn't make sense, because I hardly understand it myself.

It's like... I made myself what people told me I was, just because I wanted things to be real. I wanted people's opinion of me to be true to who I really was, so instead of trying to change their opinions to fit me, I changed myself to fit their opinions.

And now nothing about me feels like it's real, no judgement anybody makes seems like it's accurate.

My friends have all left me, like they always leave me. One of them is mad at me for betraying her trust and telling her secret, but I didn't understand that she had put her trust in me at all. I didn't believe that anyone could actually trust me.

And, I don't think I've ever had a secret. I share myself with everyone, and then practically disappear into a puff of smoke when they leave me. I am a story, a character I created for myself. And I have to keep that character up. One of the things I'm known for is being good at maths, and once I thought I failed, and I absolutely freaked out. Even little things, like getting up late when I'm known for being a super early riser. Whenever I do something that I feel doesn't match up with this person that I've created for myself, I feel terrible about it.

I feel like I'm never really sad or angry, I'm just making it up, I don't need help, I don't have anxiety, I'm making it up, I'm lying. I hate lying so much.

When I'm home alone, I feel like nothing. I get into this haze and I can't think properly, and everything is fuzzy and unclear, and all I have is apprehension and worry and fear.

I just want to hide and be by myself, and not go to school because at school I have to work hard to be the person I'm supposed to be. I want all this to stop happening. I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid.