i feel so fucking worthless.

im so tired of having shallow relationships with people. i just want to feel cared for and have a person in my life that doesn't consider me an afterthought. i feel like i always get close to having these relationships and something about me is so bland or offputting or uninteresting that they just stop caring about me, or wanting to build a relationship with me. i just want someone to give a shit, and i feel like as much as i've tried with people, i get close, and i just get used for sex with the guys i've gotten close to, or eventually our friendship just fades out like it was never anything important to begin with. so many times i've tried with people only to get the cold shoulder after they finally see a bit of who i am.

all of these failed relationships and it's starting to hit me that they fail not because of these other people, but because of me. because for some fucking reason i just can't form a normal bond with someone, i'm not memorable to anybody and i just don't matter to people. it's as simple as that. and it's not as easy as just pin pointing the problem and changing it, it's my entire being. it's just who i am. unimportant and not worth the effort. i wish there was an off switch for existing.