No One To Talk To...

For two years as a child, I was molested by my older brother. I was drunkenly and non-consensually fingered by the first guy I had serious feelings for. Every day I feel such anger for the invasion of my body and the deprivation of my agency - but I can't talk about it. I can't talk to my parents and I have found it difficult to find understanding friends (or any who have been through something similar). My parents won't pay for counseling because they don't know what's wrong, and I'm afraid to seek it anyway because a record of mental health treatment could jeopardize my security clearance.

I have a great boyfriend now, and I don't know how to tell him, either. We're not currently sexually active (I told him early on that I wanted to take things very slowly, and he's been so amazingly understanding), but I know I'll need to talk to him eventually.

I don't know why I'm saying this, I just had to get this off my chest and this seemed like the right place. If anyone wants to talk, that would be great.