I feel like this is just a phase, but I'm almost 18 and it's been years.

I love being around people. I honestly do, but now..I feel even with being around people, a state of loneliness. I seem to fit in at school. People seem to like to talk to me at the time, but as soon as school is over, I'm by myself. My friends seem to hate asking me to hang out. Hah..I've almost killed myself twice now, and the only reason why I'm here is because, to me, something worse then death keeps happening. It doesn't make sense, I'm sorry, but let me explain.

No one talks to me outside of school. Even if I meet up with them randomly. If I'm lucky, I get a little "Hey." It may seem tiny to all of the people that have it way worse than I do, but..I don't know.

When the loneliness finally brings me to my knees, that's when someone seems to care. The way I see it, it makes me feel even lonelier and worse because I feel she is just trying to help when I really need it just to be a "Good Person." Just to have the satisfaction knowing you saved someone. It's just messed up.. I'd much rather no one care at all then be lead on to believe someone truly wants to care, to be there for me. I'm not a terribly ugly person, so I've come to believe the reason why no one enjoys my company is because of the way I act. I've tried over the years to change but..I just can't. Shit, the last time someone actually seemed to be happy about me is when I signed my name to the Marine Corps. After a couple of "CONGRATS!" it was back to square one.

I try to start conversations but they end up not replying after a few lines. I know it must be me. I'm just another face to most of them. That's what hurts the most. I guess in a way, I want attention from the people I know..I want to feel like I'm something. I want to feel like people want me around. I want people to enjoy my company..but..It just doesn't seem to happen.

It's killing me.